How does your heart beat, why do you breathe?

[axeslade]

I just watched...well, not even most of Transamerica, because I wasn't up to it, but some scenes and...

God, I'd forgotten about the scene where Bree's in the tub and...

I didn't cry, but my throat got really tight. And then I went into my room to bind. And it just wouldn't...when I was wearing a baggy shirt, it worked, but when I put on a normal one....

And I just...

It's going to be at least a decade, probably closer to two, before I'm able to smile like Bree did when I'm taking a bath. Or getting dressed. Or...

And I don't know if I can handle that.
***
*deep, deep breath*

There are ways of dealing.

I can hunt for the bras I tried so hard to pretend I didn't need and layer.

I can put on one bra and use duct tape.

I can use plastic wrap.

I can close my eyes and chant 'I don't have breasts, I don't have breasts' until I fall asleep

I can dream that that last one is true.

Comments

[firelyte42.livejournal.com]

layers and more layers. But if you had someone in your life that understood, maybe then things wouldn't be so bad. Lisa and Chris were my rocks during my adjustment. Both were fuckin amazing! I don't bind anymore, but I wear a lot of sports bras and tank tops still. Bras are only for family things. Hopefully someday I can feel as comfortable as I pretend to be. Acting hasn't always been my strongest thing, but knowing how I feel can be just as hard. Just hang in there. There are too many of us hiding behind the looking glass with our duct tape and ball caps.

[axeslade.livejournal.com]

Thanks ^_^ Right now I'm just hunting for a method that will work in warm weather-I'm heading out to see my girlfriend in NY in a few days, and I don't want to faint from heat exhaustion just because it's the only way I can feel comfortable with myself.