Girls In The Men's Room

So I got my hair cut today. Here's what it looks like while damp, with glasses and without.





And dry.





I believe this is the shortest (and thinnest!) I've ever had it, and it's quite refreshing.

Mostly unrelated, wow I have not used this icon in quite a long time.

Stuff I purchased yesterday.

Eyes
Maybelline's Eye Studio Color Plush Silk Eyeshadow in Purple Icon and Legendary Lilac

e.l.f. Essentials Waterproof Eyeliner Pen in Midnight

Lips
Maybelline's Color Sensational Lipcolor in Berry Beautiful

N.Y.C's Ultra Moist LipWear in Violet Shine and Ruby

N.Y.C's Liquid Lip Shine in Sheer Raspberry

Tomorrow, I'm going to talk to my Policy prof about this project. Not due until the week of the 26th, but with everything else going on (in life and in my head), I'm totally stumped and panicky and I want to do well. Since I don't work I'll have time to talk to her (unlike Thursdays when I only have fifteen minutes between that class and work), so hopefully I can figure something out so I can breathe a little bit.

Unrelated: Right now, one of the few things helping me hang on is the music from Strictly Ballroom. God, movie, why so underrated?

Appointment confirmed. Now just to get all the paperwork done, esp. the stuff to get my meds. Urgh. Thinking I'll go on campus early to get some of that done now.

(also, listening to Amy's theme while talking about going to a psychiatrist...kind of funny)

ETA: Paperwork in. Hopefully the proof-of-income stuff I gave them will be sufficient (couldn't get hold of my W-2s at the moment, and that doesn't represent my current income anyway). Hopefully I'll know by Friday.

I should not be surprised at the amount of paperwork there is to do before a psych eval, but urrrgh. Something about 'describe your average diet'--um. Well, some days it's calimari pasta, some days it's Hamburger Helper. THERE IS NO AVERAGE IN MY LIFE. *headdesk*

Also, I have to remember to call to confirm the appointment. Will do that...Tuesday.

Urgh. I may have to break down and let my grandmother give K and I a ride when we next go to Safeway, because my body is so broken right now it's not even funny, and I doubt the next day and a half will be enough to fix it and since I have to walk to campus every day (not far at all, but when I am this broken it feels like miles)...urrrgh.

Today has been horrible in terms of personal drama, and then my spine decides it must try to escape said drama via my uterus. And it's trying with much more force than usual. I feel like I might throw up, and like I definitely want to cry.

Fuck it all.

Since I've figured out that talk therapy does fuck all for my problems (4 years in high school, plus sessions in middle school and I'm still...this--and yes, I have grown as a person thanks to that therapy, but....) and adding hormones (particularly female) into my body is something I'm wary of...I'm seriously considering going to the health center on campus and going through the depression screening and maybe getting on meds.

This, again, brought on by murderous PMS that is making me see the world through a haze of gray and a chat with a friend who said anti depressants helped her similar PMS/PMDD more than birth control.

And yes, the song is apt at moments like this, though definitely not all the time.

So, um, what I said last night about being so glad I wasn't PMSing anymore etc. etc.?

Ha. Ha. And again I say HA.

For the first time in many nights, I set to get to bed before three. I got to bed at one...only to be woken at 3:30 by monstrous cramps. Okay. Fine. This doesn't happen often, but it happens. I'll watch Utena! ...oh shit, on to the Black Rose arc. That's depressing. Um. But okay, there's still Utena and Anthy, and they're cute. Oh! I have a package of milanos that grandmother gave me the day we got the flat. I'll grab those and snarf the whole thing while watching Utena in bed. Ace!

...if I could find them.

So, yes. I've been tearing around the house, threatening to kill cats and almost crying, because I can't find my cookies.

Yes, I'm also pissed about maybe not getting to the flat on Tuesday, and oh yeah, I'm still depressed about being away from Girl as I am after being with her, but I'm also fucking pissed that my family somehow lost my roobios that I didn't get to try and my milanos, which I rarely buy for myself becuase they're pricey. Mother: 'Well we still have fudge stripes'...one, that package is dad's (the other got snarfed by all of us) and two, those aren't my milanos, fuck you gonna kill a cat

...it's gonna be a fun couple of days.

So, rereading Ivan E. Coyote's Hats off to beautiful femmes...Girl is not a high-femme, just really femme in comparison to me most of the time. But, still. These bits always hit me hard.

All of my life I have been told that I am ugly, I am less than, I am not a man, I am unwanted. Until you came along, I believed them. Please do not ever stop looking at me the way you do.
....
I want to thank you for coming out of the closet. Again and again, over and over, for the rest of your life. At school, at work, at your kid’s daycare, at your brother’s wedding, at the doctor’s office. Thank you for sideswiping their stereotypes.

I never get the chance to come out of the closet, because my closet was always made of glass. But you do it for me. You fight homophobia in a way that I never could. Some of them think I am queer because I am undesirable. You prove to them that being queer is your desire.

Thank you for loving me because of who I am and what I look like, not in spite of who I am and what I look like.

Thank you for smelling so good.
...
I want you to know I love your crooked tooth, your stretch marks, the missing part of your finger, your short leg, your third nipple, your lazy eye, your cowlick, your birthmark shaped like Texas. I love it all.

I want you to know that I know it is not always easy to love me. That sometimes my chest is a field full of landmines and where you went last night you can’t go tomorrow. There is no manual, no roadmap, no helpline you can call. My body does not come with instructions, and sometimes even I don’t know what to do with it. This cannot be easy, but still, you touch me anyway.
...
Thank you for wearing that dress just because you knew it would match my shirt. Together, we are unstoppable. When seen through your eyes, I am beautiful. Turns out I was a swan the whole time.