Girls In The Men's Room

Tonight I finished watching a DVD of live Tori performances that my friend Ty sent me. I already had a few of them, but the others *drool* The last show (Montreal '94) made me a little anxious though. Some of you might remember my entries from about this time last year when I mentioned Bells For Her. That song brings up a lot of really hard emotions for me about things that happened awhile ago and that are happening now. But today I watched it, and before it played Tori talked about the inspiration for it, and how she and the girl 'Bells' is about came together again, and that coupled with watching Tori jam out on the prepared upright...*sigh*I was able to see the hopefulness instead of just the loss in it now. However, the fact that Me and a Gun was also in that show...*shiver*

So they went years and years
Like sisters
Blankette blankette girls
Always there through
Through that and this
There's nothing we cannot ever fix I said
Can't stop what's coming can't stop what is on it's way-Tori Amos 'Bells For Her'

The sibling bought the 9th season of M*A*S*H yesterday, so we were watching it since there was nothing else on, and there's this eppy called 'Bless You, Hawkeye' where Hawkeye gets sick over what he thinks is an allergy but it's actually the reaction to a repressed memory that bubbled up due to something with a patient. We talked briefly about how weird it is what such small things like smells can trigger. I just thought of that night, Silent All These Years and that C/A fic and how much that's snowballed into something kind of bad and kind of good. I'm rambling a little but...yeah. *shrug*

I think there’s so much emphasis on pushing things away, instead of pulling them out of the closet. A lot of times I just notice that people try to hide their dirt for as long as possible. Monsters, dirt, whatever you want to call it, the stuff that you censor and that you don’t really want to share with people. I think you can only do that for so long before you start losing your mind. I’m finding a lot of freedom right now in just looking at things that I really feel. We’re not encouraged to do that, and I think that that’s what makes people sick inside of themselves. You kind of want everybody else to think that you’re okay. Well, you’re okay if you have monsters! That’s what people don’t understand—everybody has many many voices going on inside of themselves.Now there is one voice, though, that is more of the ringleader, more of the innermost voice that isn’t trying to beat you up, or trying to make you feel like you can go slaughter 67 people and it’s okay. You know, the voice in there that goes, “hang on a minute, Tori, we’re really feeling lonely right now.” That inner inner voice is, to me, the most important because it can start being a bridge between all these other voices in your head. Everybody has them.-Tori Amos

I was having some chats with that voice and the others this morning. Listening to Boys For Pele, mostly Father Lucifer, Blood Roses and Caught a Lite Sneeze. The songs that really came out of wounds, or drugs or darkness. Y'know I think I'm really getting this one Tori quote...

I've always said that Lucifer understands love better than anybody. You know he's done a mean tango with Greta Garbo a few times. Really understanding love is the only way you get to the dark side of things.

I think that's so true. Lucifer, or whatever you want to call that dark force, he/she/it really GETS love, gets passion. I mean, you have to have something besides bright and cheery to truly feel passion, to get other people. You can't understand what makes someone else tick if you're white (as in pure, joyful, etc.) all the time. If you love someone, you're going to meet their demons once in awhile, and you've gotta be able to talk to them. You can't say to them 'stay down, stay hidden, write it down or something but keep it away from everyone else' NO! You can't do that, it just doesn't work. And if a relationship ends and you're feeling so low, you can't ignore that anger. You can't go 'well, this is an illogical, wrong emotion. It's wrong to want to hurt so-and-so, so I won't voice it'. You posion yourself when you do that, you have to give into that emotion. You have to go into it, talk to this dark place and understand it. It's always going to be there, but if you speak to it you won't be so afraid.

Wow, that was deep for a Monday....

Another great Tori quote that I've come to realize the truth in lately...

I’m not afraid of grief. You might cry, you might even cry so much that there are no more tears left inside of you that you feel you’ve become dry, but still your grief lets you make decisions and lets you grow as a person. Everything depends upon how you handle it, if you accept your grief, your loss and your mourning or if you try to push it away. I think you have to live through it, that’s my personal belief, because it has consequences. [The Inside Connection - June 1998]

And now the lyrics to one of my absoulte favorite Tori songs with the parts that have been hitting hard in bold.

Tori Amos
Hotel

met 'em in a hotel
met 'em in a hotel
beneath ground
tell him he's missing
tell me this is one for
lollipop gestapo
you were wild
where are you now
you were wild
where are you now
give me more
give me more
give me more
i have to learn to let you crash down
i have to learn to let you crash down
i have to learn to let you crash
met 'em in a hotel
met 'em in a hotel
you say he's the biggest thing
there'll be this year
i guess that what i'm seeking
i guess that what i'm seeking
isn't here
met him in a hotel
met him in a guess world
guessed anyone but you
you were wild
where are you now
you were wild
where are you now
give me more
give me more
give me more
i have to learn to let you crash down
where are the velvets
where are the velvets
where are the velvets
when you're coming down
you were wild
where are you now
you were wild
where are you now
king solomon's mines
exit 75
i'm still alive
i'm still alive
i'm still alive

Up in an attempt to get my sleep cycle back on track. Umm, something hit me and the muses in the head last night. I'm not sure if I'll do it, if I do it could get painful, but it could be what me and the ladies and boys I share my psyche with need to let go. I don't know, we'll see.


"Precious Illusions"
Alanis Morisette

You'll rescue me right?
In the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right?
When your healing powers kick in

You'll complete me right?
Then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
Only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did
And I won't keep it up even though I would love to
Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
This pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

But this won't work as well as the way it once did
Cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

This won't work now the way it once did
Cuz I want to deside between survival and bliss
Now I know who I'm not
I don't I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victom

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with childhood best friends

I was thinking about something my counselor, the lovely Paula, said two weeks ago when we had group. We had apparently discussed sadness the week before (I was absent) and she said she had asked where we feel sadness on our body. I couldn't verbalize it well, but...I guess that is something to do with the body map, isn't it? I mean, forget achiness and cramps and such. When I'm sad, truly sorrowful, I feel this very deep chill somewhere inside me. That imprint on my body map, where I feel that ache.

If there is a Horizontal Line
that runs from the MAP
off your body straight through
the Land shooting up
right through my heart
Will this Horizontal Line
when asked know how to find
Where you end
where I begin
"pick out your
cloud"-Tori 'Pick Out Your Cloud'

In
the end
all we have,
soul blueprint.
did we get
lost in it
do we
conduct a
search
for this-Tori 'I Can't See New York'

Taken from bananaboat_

Women should learn self-defense.
Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark.
Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts.
Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended.

Instead of that, how about:

If a woman is drunk, don't rape her.
If a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her.
If a women is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her.
If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her.
If a woman is jogging in a park at 5 a.m., don't rape her.
If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her.
If a woman is in a coma, don't rape her.
If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her.
If a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don't rape her.
If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her.
If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her.
If your step-daughter is watching TV, don't rape her.
If you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her.
If your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend.
If your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police.
If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an unconscious woman upstairs and it's your turn, don't rape her, call the police and report him as a rapist.
Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, and sons of friends that it's not okay to rape someone.


Don't just tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape.
Don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x,y or z.
Don't imply that it's in any way her fault.
Don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl.
Don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can, too, help yourself

If you agree, repost