axeslade: (lily allen)
The Big Book Of Me

This is something I might actually do. If only because of this bit, which, um, I need to remind myself of this a lot.

We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff.


The Dammit List also sounds like a good idea.

Not sure how I'd implement either--new tags here? I'm horrible at keeping dedicated notebooks. But I've managed to keep this journal (with the exception of moving it recently) since before high school. Hm.


Feb. 17th, 2010 01:22 pm
axeslade: (Default)
So, I've been reading Eat, Pray, Love for the last day.

This morning, while reading a relevant bit, some things about NE and what happened fell into place. I almost wept (would have if I had not been in public), but it was for the joy of realising so many things about it. I can't make it make anymore sense than that, not that it needs to.

I could quote said relevant bit or others that followed, but really it all comes down to this.

I am forgiving NE for what happened, as much as I can.

I am going to let go of the anger and the sadness and let it deal with itself somewhere else; hopefully where it can run into whatever they was dealing with or continues to deal with as a consequence of us. Let the parts that wanted to continue what we had but didn't know how hash it out seperately from us.

I am going to love the life I have with Girl, and stop connecting that relationship to two others.

Whenever I think of NE (because I will always think of them), I will not send out anger and resentment.

I will send my love and hope that they are in a good place, like I really am in a good place.

And that will be it. No dwelling on what might have been, how we could have made it work. No more wondering how much they meant to do what they did and what was accident or consequence of their own drama.

I will just, silently, send them my thoughts. 'I love you and hope you are well'.

And I will not post about them again here.
axeslade: (chambermaid)
Suffer in Silence: Surviving Abuse as a Trans Male

[this space reserved for ramblings of a personal nature after I have time to process]

[to remind me of things that need touched on, quotage]

Then there's the destructive myth that trans men "choose" their maleness. Being lectured by your rape crisis counselor that your "choice" of gender amounts to betrayal is quite a special experience. The idea that trans men "go over to the dark side"—the side of rapists, abusers, and male chauvinists—is silly at best, harmful at worst, denying as it does that men can be anything but perpetrators, and least of all victims.
The real kicker for me is people who assume that being raped somehow "made" me trans. Any time I disclose either my history of abuse or my gender status I open myself up to ugly attacks. When I disclose both at once, my chances of being ridiculed and misunderstood are squared. Two close male family members have confronted me to ask whether my "gender trouble" was caused by the assault. So did a certain well-known sex educator who frankly should have known better.

I'm not sure how this psycho-sexual theory of transsexualism even makes sense. I would love to hear the logic behind it. Do these people believe that I "chose to become a man" because I "hate men?" Or that I wanted to be more like my perpetrator and less like a victim? Do they think I am trying to avoid male aggression? If the last, I would love for them to explain to me how being a twinkish gay bottom places me drastically higher on the sexual food chain. (It doesn't.)

The best explanation I ever got from these sorts of people was that they thought I was distraught and not capable of making sound decisions.
axeslade: (Default)
So, my theatre teacher is a twat on multiple levels.

And shortly, we're going to be discussing one of my favorite plays, The Glass Menagerie. And I have a feeling that there are going to be a lot of moments where I'm grinding my teeth and headdesking.


I see too much of myself in that play, the good and bad of me, the stereotype/caricatures of what I was and want(ed) to be.

Anyone who has read/seen it, take a look at both Laura and Tom. If you know me well....well. Hell, I'm sure there's some Amanda there as well.

I don't have a lot of time to blather right now, but tonight probably I'm going to edit this to include some personal thinkies about my relationship to that play, both because of what it is and Tennessee Williams as a person, etc.

For now, I'll just say that the idea of this woman touching this play? DO NOT WANT.
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