Jun. 19th, 2008

axeslade: (Default)
Just got done talking to [livejournal.com profile] spacequeen for the first time in awhile...love ya babes ^_^ I'm so lucky to have so many people who seem to understand the wanting-top-but-not-bottom-surgery-or-hormones thing.

Kind of related to what we were discussing...people I wish I looked like.

-k.d. lang
-Melissa Etheridge
-Ellen DeGeneres
-Brian Molko
EDIT-Lucas Silveria

I mean, I could just take elements of all these people-all of them look damn great in a suit-and I'd be happy.

I rememember...when we'd see female body builders on TV, dad would always say how ugly they were, and I'd agree but...I didn't really. I don't want to look like that, but...the ones who don't overdo it, you know, the non Arnold like ones..I thought they were really beautiful. Feminity and masculinity in one. Something that, on some level, I aspire to.

Ahhhh, five days until NY *dies*I'm looking forward to it, but I'm sure the heat will be even worse.

*squeak*

Jun. 19th, 2008 01:30 pm
axeslade: (Default)
http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=29
axeslade: (queen of wands future will eat me)
I just watched...well, not even most of Transamerica, because I wasn't up to it, but some scenes and...

God, I'd forgotten about the scene where Bree's in the tub and...

I didn't cry, but my throat got really tight. And then I went into my room to bind. And it just wouldn't...when I was wearing a baggy shirt, it worked, but when I put on a normal one....

And I just...

It's going to be at least a decade, probably closer to two, before I'm able to smile like Bree did when I'm taking a bath. Or getting dressed. Or...

And I don't know if I can handle that.
***
*deep, deep breath*

There are ways of dealing.

I can hunt for the bras I tried so hard to pretend I didn't need and layer.

I can put on one bra and use duct tape.

I can use plastic wrap.

I can close my eyes and chant 'I don't have breasts, I don't have breasts' until I fall asleep

I can dream that that last one is true.
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