axeslade: (tosh bs)
The statement I had to make yesterday at my appointment that seemed to confuse the NP

"I'm bisexual but I don't have sex with men." [not exactly how I said it, but, meh]

Reasons I do not get why this screws with people:
1. I have only had one sexual partner. By default, at this time, I do not have sex with men.
2. Do we question people's heterosexuality when they're virgins?
3. Attraction does not have to equal action.

There's also the fact that were I to ever have sex with a man (trans or cis, though cis are obviously the only ones she was referring to since it was more a question of 'could you get pregnant any time while you're taking this?'), it *probably* wouldn't be penis-in-vagina.

I'm all up in ur kinsey scale, breakin' it.

But seriously. Why is it *always* when I say I currently only have sex with women, it's assumed I'm a lesbian? (This was before I voiced the gender stuff--though I'm sure she still would have gone there anyway, urgh). Can't we, as a society, just go 'oh, you have sex with ---' and not try to label it? Please?

(Also, the assumption that I would rather save a clump of cells than my sanity was kind of insulting on a different level, but meh)
axeslade: (k.d. lang)
I think on sites that insist on shoving me into the binary, I'll start listing myself as a man. If I *have* to go into a box, I'll admit that the one of a bisexual man is the least confining.

Bleh. Random buzzy brain is random and buzzy.
axeslade: (lucas silveria)
So apparently Lucas Silveria of the Cliks has been on T for a year, which explains why his voice sounded very different in the last live vid I saw.

This is just a post to say that I am happy for him, but crushed personally which is ridiculous but...Lucas is one of the few moderately famous transmen I know of who was not on T (due to fear of fucking up his voice/having to take time off to relearn how to sing) and said things like 'I don't need a handlebar mustache to prove I'm a man'. And that was kind of empowering for this little genderfucker.

I completely understand that even if it wasn't in his plan originally, our dysphoria can shift and surgeries/hormones we hadn't planned originally can become necessary for our sanity. And I hope that was it; not for 'passing' in society but to be happy with himself. He seemed happy in his '1 year on T!' tweet today. And I'm sure he still believes you don't need a mustache/T/a 'normal' cock to be a man. It'll just take awhile for me to integrate this into my reality. And, while his new voice is very sexy, I did love his old one. *blasts Snakehouse*
axeslade: (Default)
-Had a hike in Geology Lab today. I started shaking before we even GOT to the mountain. Fuck you, legs. Also, fuck you guy who tried to urge me to climb higher when I said very clearly 'I don't think I should', and when I was visibly having trouble. I know my limits most of the time. I knew the feeling I was having--legs shaking, gut rising, etc (I did throw up a small bit on the way to the parking lot--very normal for me, but still very annoying). I did manage to walk around to get a better vantage of some rocks, but seriously. Fuck you. (Thank you awesome Prof who understood). This is why I don't go out often. I LIKE the outdoors, but it is not kind to me or my broken parts.
-Just changed my name on Facebook to [chosen name]. While I am not legally [chosen name]...I made [given name] my alternate, and most people who will meet me now are given [chosen name] right off anyway, so there we are.
-Arrrgh, Quizno's last night was a baaad idea. But so gooood. Stupid broken body.
axeslade: (queen of wands future will eat me)
So, this NYT piece on how a partner's transition changes you...yeah.

I need to blather on that when I'm not getting ready for classes. But quick hit: Yes. Yes I am horribly afraid of what my transition, however long it ends up lasting, will do to us. I've said this before and I will keep saying it. It's not because I don't trust or believe Girl when she says she'll love me no matter what changes I make to this body. I believe that. It's just...well, as articles like this make clear, it is more complicated than that. Although, I think, it will be more so on MY end as I'm the one who is more openly, fabulously queer.

...yeah, more when I'm actually awake.
axeslade: (utena/anthy)
First: Why do I not have the Jack/Ianto snog icon on this account? BAH.

Second: Pondering auction fic...and realising another thing I have in common with Jack in many ways--wanting to protect the people I love from me, from having to love me and deal with my messed up self. Yeah, I'm not immortal. But it's hard to deny that even before the immortality Jack was pretty fucked up.

But Jack, and myself...well. We want to protect people from ourselves--but that doesn't stop us wanting them. I've read many posts on how Jack's great fault and great salvation is his love. And, yeah, I can totally get that.

I've said many times how I wouldn't care nearly as much if I get gay/trans bashed were I not now with Girl. How, yes, I do try to chase her away sometimes for her own good (and I have to stop doing that. I have to trust that she has informed consent, etc. MAH ISSUES!)

And, well, again...even if she doesn't look as good in a suit (though she looks damn good in red)...Girl really is my Ianto sometimes. From The Sin Eaters

Years of trying and trying and sometimes succeeding....being himself. Being hated, being lonely. No one good enough, not able to mend, not able to stop the pain.
Ianto was holding his hand. He kissed him. "You okay?"
"Yeah. C'mere, you." He gave Ianto a massive hug. He needed him. Sometimes more than he'd like to admit.

We've had our moments like that, and I am so grateful for them.
axeslade: (lucas silveria)
N.Y. Governor signs anti-bullying bill that is gay and trans inclusive

In a statement, Rea Carey, executive director of the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force, said Paterson’s signing of the bill is important because for many LGBT students “going to school is tantamount to a daily dose of torture.”

“We have repeatedly seen the tragic consequences of this pervasive problem: young people are left emotionally damaged, physically hurt, or feel they have no other option than to take their own lives out of hopelessness and despair,” she said. ”Youth who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender – or simply perceived to be – are often the targets of this abuse.”

Charles Robbins, executive director of the Trevor Project, an organization devoted to suicide prevention for LGBT youth, also applauded Paterson’s action.

“Considering more than half of sexual minority youth in schools have been verbally harassed and one in ten is physically assaulted, the Dignity for All Students Act with the inclusion of gender identity and expression will be a giant step to reducing instances of self-harm and suicide that result from harassment by school peers,” Robbins said.

Fuck yes. Now, future home, the marriage thing. You're doing better than some places, but really.
axeslade: (juno cheese)
-Girl betting me one of her male sims will get knocked up by aliens, losing said bet and owing me a three-pack of Ferrero Rochers---even though my only answer to her challenge was to laugh.
-Getting the check from Girl for Christmas-flight tickets, and finding said check in a letter that, along with a few other phrases, had the phrase 'I love you' all down the page.
-Girl snarling at people who call me [birth name]--even though I never, ever asked her to call me [chosen name].
-Rereading the letter Girl sent me admitting her crush and realising once more that sometimes life doesn't suck squirrel balls.
-...basically, Girl.
axeslade: (tosh bs)
-Someone who has already made it clear they think transfolk are LOLARIOUS and/or a fetish referring to me as [birth name]
-This person being an officer of a club I am also an officer of
-Doing this when other officers refer to me as [chosen name]
-Said person also being a giant douche for other reasons
-Running into the advisor for the GLBT club, who is also a former prof, and being called [birth name]
-...even though I'm sure I introduced myself as [chosen name] to the club last year. Yes, she met me as [birth name], but she knew then that I was genderqueer so REALLY. And people in anime club who met me as [birth name] have GENERALLY been very good about the change. I'd believe that, as we were just passing each other, she might have forgotten in the moment, if she hadn't referred to me as [birth name] before in spaces where there was no hurry.


Sigh. Mylene rocks, though.

Translation by Veronique Lepine

Since i have to choose
Then gently I can say it
With no forgery
That I am a boy
Not for all the world
I could just now undress
Because with no forgery
I say I'm a boy

Alone in my wardrobe
Dark rings under my eyes
Hidden from all the eyes
I'm challenging the fate
In that world which is just cock and bull
I do only what I feel
Handkerchief set up in my trousers
I 'm the Knight of Eon

Since I have to choose

Time after time driven
From all your company
I can't stand one threatens
Resolutions of mine
I don't care, you may speak about it
I'm a chameleon
Just watch each of all my tin soldiers
I'll bet that they'll kill you

Since i have to choose
axeslade: (Default)
Been blasting the Scissor Sisters all day, and realised that I really want to do one of those portraits that a lot of gender variant folks do, with one half of the face all glam and the other side very masculine or just plain. If I could walk around every day life done up like that, it would be so perfect.

After I get my Halloween costume stuff, I should really buy some makeup (and maybe a wig) and let K glam me up.
axeslade: (k.d. lang)
One of the teeny things I want from now on now that I have my own place: a bookshelf devoted solely to books about gender/queer theory and sexuality.

I only own three such books right now, but I have quite a few on my wish list (how the fuck do I not own Gender Outlaws or Gender Trouble>?). Right now the books I have are on the shelf in the closet to keep them away from my grandmother while I was moving, but once we get things settled and I have the cash for another bookshelf, they're going out in the open (well, in a shelf in my room, so still behind a door but you know). I refuse to be ashamed of the fact I'm trying to become a better being in all ways, including sexual.
axeslade: (clyde hiding)
Looking at the TDOR list for this year so far, because I'm not depressed enough already (actually it's been a good day more or less, but you know)

Roy Antonio Jones III
Location: Southampton, NY
Cause of Death: Punched repeatedly and grabbed by the neck
Date of Death: August 1, 2010
Roy was 16 Months old.
Note: 20 year old Pedro Jones told police he had struck the infant several times with a closed fist. Jones said he was “trying to make him act like a boy instead of a little girl.”

This story always tugs my heartstrings out. I am pleased, if I can use that word, that the people who run TDOR put him on the list to remind people that it isn't just trans/genderqueer people who are hurt by transphobia and gender policing, but people too young to know just what they are yet.
axeslade: (chambermaid)
I have a feeling tonight is going to be the night of my really horrible PMS breakdown. It happens most months anymore. One incredibly bad night emotionally+one incredibly bad night pain wise (sometimes these are the same night!), and then just bleh until ragging.

Fuck you uterus.

Yeah, I really think I'm going to get on finding a therapist and getting on T, because I cannot keep doing this.

On the plus side, we have a teapot now, so in awhile K and I are going to make Golden Honey Darjeeling. OM NOM.
axeslade: (tosh bs)
If you disrespect ANYONE'S bodily autonomy, for any reason, I will judge you hard and I will probably lose any respect for you I ever had. I don't care if it's about reproduction, use of recreational drugs, body modification, etc. If they aren't hurting anyone (and I mean actually HURTING, not just tarnishing your mental image of them because they refuse to fit in your box), it is none of your damn business. And yes, this includes if you are their family/partner/dog.

Tosh will probably judge you too. As will Jack Harkness. He will not be amused by your shit. Ianto will just give you bad coffee. I think he had Owen spit in it or something.

Also, related but not: If I am close to falling completely over the edge, blasting Meredith Brook's 'Bitch' and lipsynch jamming out to the chorus helps A LOT.

Also: I am PMSing like woah, if you couldn't already tell. ARGH. Shit like this really, really makes me consider going on T because all my other options SUCK.

EDIT: How did I forget that listening to Ani D. is a great PMS reliever? Particularly Swan Dive. Oh Ani, why are you ALWAYS touring NY when I can't be there?
axeslade: (k.d. lang)
Naaargh. Fantasizing about dressing up as Captain Jack (sans coat) around Girl--not what I need right now, psyche, thanks, no matter how delicious and fun it is.

axeslade: (chambermaid)
Since I'm listening to it right now--Lovely Rita was probably the first Beatles' song I fell in love with, at ~11-12 when my dad first played Sgt. Pepper for me.

In her cap
She looked much older
And the bag across her shoulder
Made her look a little like a military man

Gee, wonder what I could have loved about that? Oh, little in-denial-genderfucker pastself. *patpat*
axeslade: (Default)
So. Continuing on with my body issues today.

I've been thinking--a big part of my issues with my body shape isn't society (though that plays a part, of course) or peers (hell, Girl likes this body).

What it is really is this: I learned a lot of my gender presentation from David Bowie and Rocky Horror.

...yeah, those bodies aren't mine. Nor should they be. I recognise on a logical level, that unless I take T and grow almost a foot, those bodies will not be mine. But on a purely emotional level...I learned both feminity and masculinity from men like this. RHPS and Bowie's music were some of the few things that helped me survive middle school because they made me feel less alone. In a sense, these men are who I want to be (um, without the killing and removing of brains and cocaine use). So when the hormones start flooding, I find myself holding up their image next to my own and just pouting a bit.

Sigh. Yeah, cry moar emo-boi.
axeslade: (Default)
Things that suck right now:
-The fact that, with whatever the hell my hormones are doing, I'm already PMSing. This means body!hate like woah, and a million other things.
-Various things on teh interwebz causing me to hate my body more than PMS and the bits already do. Yeah, thanks for that. I need help being depressed.
-Waking up at 7 am. WTF?

Things that don't:
-This song. Belle, you're my fucking hero. When she's blathering to the baker about the book? I do that stuff. It's no wonder it's the Disney movie I watched most as a wee thing. Beauty and the Beast watching tonight, maybe
-Planning to go down to the library in a bit, which goes along with the song.
axeslade: (k.d. lang)
Here's a weird one: reading or hearing [given name] coming from most people makes me uncomfortable at best, hurt at worst and yet I never correct them because unless someone's actually pissed me off, I'm pretty non-confrontational.


Girl, without ever being directly asked to do so, refers to me as [chosen name]...and it sounds weird. I'm so used to her calling me a variant of [given name] that is kind of sweet and a bit off. It's nice that she calls me [chosen name], but it leaves But full [given name] makes my skin crawl anymore. So I have no fucking clue what to do.


axeslade: (Default)
A most peculiar mademoiselle

January 2011

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