Girls In The Men's Room

Dear brain,
I know why you come up with these terrible dreams/nightmares about Girl and me fighting+breaking up. I do. But I'm seriously sick of them. I already wake up with a touch of heartbreak most mornings because of the whole LDR thing, I don't need this too. If you have to enforce some psychic trauma on me, how about more NE dreams?
No love at all,

Paraphrased chunk of the five hour chat I had with Girl today:

Me: [after much blather over her birthday present for this year and plans for winter holidays] I have no idea what I'm getting you for Christmas. I already have next year's birthday present, but no clue about Christmas.

Her: [since she's turning 21 next year] It better not be alcohol.

Me: *audible eyeroll*

Her: ???

Me: Nuh-uh. All I'm saying is, once again, hail eBay

Her: *grumbles a bit* It better be Ewan McGregor covered in glitter

Me: *laughing* I think his wife would object to him selling himself on eBay

Her: He doesn't have to stay! Just strip, dance around, go back.

Me: I repeat. Besides, how would *I* win Ewan McGregor? Can you imagine the bidding war?

Her: You never know!

...and thus ends this glimpse into my relationship. And I think that took place within the first hour of this five hour conversation. I don't know who should be screaming 'save me!', me or her.

Unrelated, I really don't use photobomb!seal often enough.

So, um, what I said last night about being so glad I wasn't PMSing anymore etc. etc.?

Ha. Ha. And again I say HA.

For the first time in many nights, I set to get to bed before three. I got to bed at one...only to be woken at 3:30 by monstrous cramps. Okay. Fine. This doesn't happen often, but it happens. I'll watch Utena! ...oh shit, on to the Black Rose arc. That's depressing. Um. But okay, there's still Utena and Anthy, and they're cute. Oh! I have a package of milanos that grandmother gave me the day we got the flat. I'll grab those and snarf the whole thing while watching Utena in bed. Ace!

...if I could find them.

So, yes. I've been tearing around the house, threatening to kill cats and almost crying, because I can't find my cookies.

Yes, I'm also pissed about maybe not getting to the flat on Tuesday, and oh yeah, I'm still depressed about being away from Girl as I am after being with her, but I'm also fucking pissed that my family somehow lost my roobios that I didn't get to try and my milanos, which I rarely buy for myself becuase they're pricey. Mother: 'Well we still have fudge stripes'...one, that package is dad's (the other got snarfed by all of us) and two, those aren't my milanos, fuck you gonna kill a cat

...it's gonna be a fun couple of days.

Okay, this is on the kinky side, but since no one but Girl really reads this journal (well, my mother knows of it, but FFS I'm almost 21, so whatever)...how the hell did I not know about this before?

The Ceremony of the Roses

1. As a symbolism nerd--oh, guh.
2. So. fucking. beautiful.
3. Yeah, the gendered terms are a bit squicky for me, but easily played with. And when played with, make the symoblism of the roses so much more...yeah.
4. I have to wonder if the creators of Utena knew about this, because roses and the Lifestyle are so heavily woven into that series.
5. And, oh fuck, I have to go listen to Utena music now.

So. Amazingly, and sadly, my grandmother was not the person I wanted to strangle the most today.

Yes, she nattered on like she did and implied things about my choices. But I dealt, and she left right after sibling got her diploma.

Last person graduates, chaos ensues, sibling vanishes outside without my mother or I noticing. She goes to look for her, I stand in the lobby.

My former guidance counselor (she who I have almost as much of a OMFG I LOVE YOU/OMFG DIE IN A FIRE relationship with as NE) sees me, a few minutes of plesantries.

Of course, given that it's (OMFG, NOT PACKED NOR ANYWHERE CLOSE TO) ten days until I leave, I squee about seeing Girl.

Guidance couselor: Oh! You're still close?

...and I swear, people, I almost cried. And then I almost said something along the lines of 'she's had her hands and her mouth under my pants, yes, we're still fucking close'.

I really, really don't get it. From people who didn't know either of us before it became long distance, okay, I get the surprise that we've been doing this BS for ~three years. But this woman knew me the whole time I was going through the 'Ahhh! My best friend is straight, but I was having kinky-kinky thoughts about her and oh God what the fuck am I going to do about this'. And when it wasn't just raging hormones, when it was 'My God, I've never felt like this for anyone and what the fuck am I going to do when she leaves I don't know if I can handle it'. And when we finally became a couple and I was happier than she'd ever seen me.

And she's surprised we're still 'close'.

OMFG DIE IN A FIRE.

I didn't say that, or the filthy thing. I said something along the lines of 'yeah, and oh god I need to see her so bad'. And then she had to leave. And I was so, so glad because I would have cried otherwise and she would have asked me if I was 'really happy' again.

*eyes clock*I need a fucking TARDIS.

**BONUS DIE IN A FIRE** Right when she saw me, she asked if I'd lost weight. I was wearing my binder, so I said that. And she said 'no, elsewhere' (binder straps down stomach, tho not as much as old one)...and then said how I look good. I really don't recall her saying that to me ever before. I could be misremembering, given that when I saw her in high school I was usually depressed out of my mind over NE and other bullshit. But I know that often comments on my looks were things about how I wasn't caring for myself (true, again, fucking depressed).

...yeah, thanks for contributing to my body issues. I needed that.

Just remembered I have to see Grandmother on Sunday (sibling's high school grad).

But then I remembered, again, that that'll be exactly ten days before I see Girl. And after that we're down to single digits.

And then it didn't suck quite as much.

So fic writing didn't happen last night, but whatever. Another list!

• Hair cut


• Get suit trousers hemmed


• Order new binders (swim+t-style)


• Try to get a better shaving razor


• Try to schedule a doctor's appointment unless things resolve themselves


• (Possibly) Get new glasses


• Buy dress socks


• Order packing strap

From an article on LDRs

an estimated 14 million Americans are currently in LDRs, according to the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships.

Reading stuff like that? Makes it just a bit easier when you're on a college campus and on average see at least one couple being all lovey-dovey all over each other as you're going about your day.

Also--this bit.

there was a defining moment of missing my husband. It was after his first visit, a quick, four-day trip during which we went to several of the Loire Valley chateaux that surround Tours. At one chateau, as we descended a narrow spiral staircase, we both remarked—almost simultaneously—that the staircase sagged inward toward its central support beam. (Actually, I think we both said "Whoa.") Several days later, after Andy had returned to the States, I was walking down the stairs of my language school and was blindsided by an intense pang of missing him. It took me a few minutes to figure out why, but I realized that the steps tilted inward, just like the ones at the chateau. The sagging stairs had been only momentarily interesting when we'd seen them together. But days later, experiencing something similar while I was alone triggered a memory that made me miss Andy acutely.

Dudes, I have experienced this too fucking often. Usually it's food. I'll be going to dinner, see they have strawberries or tomatoes, or I'll be at the grocery store and see a pack of Ferrero Rochers and I just...it's like someone punches me in the gut. Especially if I'm eating tomatoes (and no, I am not explaining that one any further).

Sigh, 59 days.

Oh-oh! And this. Man, I want to throw this in the face of so many people.

Plus, multiple studies have found that LDR couples' levels of relationship satisfaction, intimacy, trust, and commitment are identical to their geographically close counterparts. LDR couples might worry more about infidelity, but they don't actually cheat more.

YES.

Reading other people's posts, I just have to say that I am glad that I'm not the only one who turns into an insufferable bitch right before leaving my SO and the day I come back/after they leave, just because it's the only alternative to actually showing how much it hurts to be away from part of yourself.

In other words, the next two months will draaag, but then those three weeks will fly by :(