axeslade: (juno cheese)
-Girl betting me one of her male sims will get knocked up by aliens, losing said bet and owing me a three-pack of Ferrero Rochers---even though my only answer to her challenge was to laugh.
-Getting the check from Girl for Christmas-flight tickets, and finding said check in a letter that, along with a few other phrases, had the phrase 'I love you' all down the page.
-Girl snarling at people who call me [birth name]--even though I never, ever asked her to call me [chosen name].
-Rereading the letter Girl sent me admitting her crush and realising once more that sometimes life doesn't suck squirrel balls.
-...basically, Girl.
axeslade: (YU+ME bw)
Dear brain,
I know why you come up with these terrible dreams/nightmares about Girl and me fighting+breaking up. I do. But I'm seriously sick of them. I already wake up with a touch of heartbreak most mornings because of the whole LDR thing, I don't need this too. If you have to enforce some psychic trauma on me, how about more NE dreams?
No love at all,
axeslade: (YU+ME bw)
I know it makes me a horribly faggety dyke-tastic thing...

But sometimes? Blasting Come To My Window makes it all better.

Although, oh holy fuck first verse/chorus, are you hard to listen to right now.

I would dial the numbers
Just to listen to your breath
I would stand inside my hell
And hold the hand of death
You don't know how far I'd go
To ease this precious ache
You don't know how much I'd give
Or how much I can take

Just to reach you
Just to reach you
Just to reach you

Come to my window
Crawl inside, wait by the light
of the moon
Come to my window
I'll be home soon
axeslade: (Default)
Long meme is loooong )
axeslade: (juno cheese)
I just started reading The Dogs of Babel today and this It really does explain why I find it difficult to write about the more intimate (and not necessarily in *that* sense) parts of my relationship with Girl, even in private venues.

I haven't told you how we slept in the same tiny motel room for four humid Florida nights, and how it wasn't until our last night there that Lexy crossed the room and came into my bed. How she whispered to me, "I don't usually do this on the first date" as she ran her hands over my long-forsaken body. I mention these things, the warm air, the cool sheets, the fresh joy of Lexy lying beside me, in the interest of not skipping over anything that might prove important. But in truth, they are not things I can speak of very easily. I touched her, and it felt like coming home. What more is there to say?
axeslade: (sealbomb)
Paraphrased chunk of the five hour chat I had with Girl today:

Me: [after much blather over her birthday present for this year and plans for winter holidays] I have no idea what I'm getting you for Christmas. I already have next year's birthday present, but no clue about Christmas.

Her: [since she's turning 21 next year] It better not be alcohol.

Me: *audible eyeroll*

Her: ???

Me: Nuh-uh. All I'm saying is, once again, hail eBay

Her: *grumbles a bit* It better be Ewan McGregor covered in glitter

Me: *laughing* I think his wife would object to him selling himself on eBay

Her: He doesn't have to stay! Just strip, dance around, go back.

Me: I repeat. Besides, how would *I* win Ewan McGregor? Can you imagine the bidding war?

Her: You never know!

...and thus ends this glimpse into my relationship. And I think that took place within the first hour of this five hour conversation. I don't know who should be screaming 'save me!', me or her.

Unrelated, I really don't use photobomb!seal often enough.
axeslade: (juno cheese)
Related to last night's post:

Girl is made of win. I know the kind of response I'll get from her about those things, and knowing that she's not going to huff and roll her eyes over me whinging over NE is epically awesome. Dudes, seriously, I won the girlfriend lottery and I have no idea how.

Right, I'm really tired from moving into the flat today, so the only way I can really tie this up at this moment is through this.

Because those words, and the absolute joy in that video? Yeah, that's how she makes me feel.
axeslade: (tosh bs)
So, um, what I said last night about being so glad I wasn't PMSing anymore etc. etc.?

Ha. Ha. And again I say HA.

For the first time in many nights, I set to get to bed before three. I got to bed at one...only to be woken at 3:30 by monstrous cramps. Okay. Fine. This doesn't happen often, but it happens. I'll watch Utena! ...oh shit, on to the Black Rose arc. That's depressing. Um. But okay, there's still Utena and Anthy, and they're cute. Oh! I have a package of milanos that grandmother gave me the day we got the flat. I'll grab those and snarf the whole thing while watching Utena in bed. Ace!

...if I could find them.

So, yes. I've been tearing around the house, threatening to kill cats and almost crying, because I can't find my cookies.

Yes, I'm also pissed about maybe not getting to the flat on Tuesday, and oh yeah, I'm still depressed about being away from Girl as I am after being with her, but I'm also fucking pissed that my family somehow lost my roobios that I didn't get to try and my milanos, which I rarely buy for myself becuase they're pricey. Mother: 'Well we still have fudge stripes', that package is dad's (the other got snarfed by all of us) and two, those aren't my milanos, fuck you gonna kill a cat's gonna be a fun couple of days.
axeslade: (chambermaid)
So, this cycle was exactly 28 days. Very average.

What will the next one be? NO ONE KNOWS. If I'm looking at things right, the month before was 33 days. And then there's the times I've completely skipped a month (it's happened at least twice in the last two years). Seriously, this shit's getting ooooold. Crap like this is why I sometimes consider putting more female hormones into my body. The boi in me sobs for that...but then considers that it'd be nice to know when the uterus is going to remind him of its existance so he can go drink.

Couple this with the fact that I may not get up to the flat on the day we'd planned due to car crap, I'm not so happy. However, this means that PMSing is over and oh my god the last two pre-menstural times have been so horrible, I have no idea what the hell was up with that shit. It had better have been Girl having an affect on my hormones, because otherwise I may have to kill someone next month.
axeslade: (utena/anthy)
Okay, this is on the kinky side, but since no one but Girl really reads this journal (well, my mother knows of it, but FFS I'm almost 21, so whatever) the hell did I not know about this before?

The Ceremony of the Roses

1. As a symbolism nerd--oh, guh.
2. So. fucking. beautiful.
3. Yeah, the gendered terms are a bit squicky for me, but easily played with. And when played with, make the symoblism of the roses so much more...yeah.
4. I have to wonder if the creators of Utena knew about this, because roses and the Lifestyle are so heavily woven into that series.
5. And, oh fuck, I have to go listen to Utena music now.
axeslade: (lucas silveria)
So, rereading Ivan E. Coyote's Hats off to beautiful femmes...Girl is not a high-femme, just really femme in comparison to me most of the time. But, still. These bits always hit me hard.

All of my life I have been told that I am ugly, I am less than, I am not a man, I am unwanted. Until you came along, I believed them. Please do not ever stop looking at me the way you do.
I want to thank you for coming out of the closet. Again and again, over and over, for the rest of your life. At school, at work, at your kid’s daycare, at your brother’s wedding, at the doctor’s office. Thank you for sideswiping their stereotypes.

I never get the chance to come out of the closet, because my closet was always made of glass. But you do it for me. You fight homophobia in a way that I never could. Some of them think I am queer because I am undesirable. You prove to them that being queer is your desire.

Thank you for loving me because of who I am and what I look like, not in spite of who I am and what I look like.

Thank you for smelling so good.
I want you to know I love your crooked tooth, your stretch marks, the missing part of your finger, your short leg, your third nipple, your lazy eye, your cowlick, your birthmark shaped like Texas. I love it all.

I want you to know that I know it is not always easy to love me. That sometimes my chest is a field full of landmines and where you went last night you can’t go tomorrow. There is no manual, no roadmap, no helpline you can call. My body does not come with instructions, and sometimes even I don’t know what to do with it. This cannot be easy, but still, you touch me anyway.
Thank you for wearing that dress just because you knew it would match my shirt. Together, we are unstoppable. When seen through your eyes, I am beautiful. Turns out I was a swan the whole time.
axeslade: (tosh bs)
So. Amazingly, and sadly, my grandmother was not the person I wanted to strangle the most today.

Yes, she nattered on like she did and implied things about my choices. But I dealt, and she left right after sibling got her diploma.

Last person graduates, chaos ensues, sibling vanishes outside without my mother or I noticing. She goes to look for her, I stand in the lobby.

My former guidance counselor (she who I have almost as much of a OMFG I LOVE YOU/OMFG DIE IN A FIRE relationship with as NE) sees me, a few minutes of plesantries.

Of course, given that it's (OMFG, NOT PACKED NOR ANYWHERE CLOSE TO) ten days until I leave, I squee about seeing Girl.

Guidance couselor: Oh! You're still close?

...and I swear, people, I almost cried. And then I almost said something along the lines of 'she's had her hands and her mouth under my pants, yes, we're still fucking close'.

I really, really don't get it. From people who didn't know either of us before it became long distance, okay, I get the surprise that we've been doing this BS for ~three years. But this woman knew me the whole time I was going through the 'Ahhh! My best friend is straight, but I was having kinky-kinky thoughts about her and oh God what the fuck am I going to do about this'. And when it wasn't just raging hormones, when it was 'My God, I've never felt like this for anyone and what the fuck am I going to do when she leaves I don't know if I can handle it'. And when we finally became a couple and I was happier than she'd ever seen me.

And she's surprised we're still 'close'.


I didn't say that, or the filthy thing. I said something along the lines of 'yeah, and oh god I need to see her so bad'. And then she had to leave. And I was so, so glad because I would have cried otherwise and she would have asked me if I was 'really happy' again.

*eyes clock*I need a fucking TARDIS.

**BONUS DIE IN A FIRE** Right when she saw me, she asked if I'd lost weight. I was wearing my binder, so I said that. And she said 'no, elsewhere' (binder straps down stomach, tho not as much as old one)...and then said how I look good. I really don't recall her saying that to me ever before. I could be misremembering, given that when I saw her in high school I was usually depressed out of my mind over NE and other bullshit. But I know that often comments on my looks were things about how I wasn't caring for myself (true, again, fucking depressed).

...yeah, thanks for contributing to my body issues. I needed that.
axeslade: (sealbomb)
I just realised that now that I have a swim binder, I could take advantage of the school gym's pool.

While I can't swim without waterwings to save my life, when I was a weeeeee thing, I did have physical therapy in a pool and loved it. And it'd probably be really good for my muscles, being low impact exercise and all.

And said swim top would probably also be good for plain working out, since it's so breathable, which would mean being able to utilize the other parts of the gym more comfortably.

So, yeah. Giving that a go in September. *cautiously excited* *also pointedly avoiding negative self-talk, which could have easily been in here*

ALSO: Ten days! Eeeee!
axeslade: (YU+ME bw)
Just remembered I have to see Grandmother on Sunday (sibling's high school grad).

But then I remembered, again, that that'll be exactly ten days before I see Girl. And after that we're down to single digits.

And then it didn't suck quite as much.
axeslade: (lucas silveria)
So fic writing didn't happen last night, but whatever. Another list!

  • Hair cut

  • Get suit trousers hemmed

  • Order new binders (swim+t-style)

  • Try to get a better shaving razor

  • Try to schedule a doctor's appointment unless things resolve themselves

  • (Possibly) Get new glasses

  • Buy dress socks

  • Order packing strap
axeslade: (utena/anthy)
I'm a bellhop now on a busy day
And I'm starting at sunrise
And the color of dawn from this plane that I'm on
Is the day breaking in your eyes

That verse just kind of hit me a bit now. Yeah. ♥
axeslade: (utena/anthy)
From an article on LDRs

an estimated 14 million Americans are currently in LDRs, according to the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships.

Reading stuff like that? Makes it just a bit easier when you're on a college campus and on average see at least one couple being all lovey-dovey all over each other as you're going about your day.

Also--this bit.

there was a defining moment of missing my husband. It was after his first visit, a quick, four-day trip during which we went to several of the Loire Valley chateaux that surround Tours. At one chateau, as we descended a narrow spiral staircase, we both remarked—almost simultaneously—that the staircase sagged inward toward its central support beam. (Actually, I think we both said "Whoa.") Several days later, after Andy had returned to the States, I was walking down the stairs of my language school and was blindsided by an intense pang of missing him. It took me a few minutes to figure out why, but I realized that the steps tilted inward, just like the ones at the chateau. The sagging stairs had been only momentarily interesting when we'd seen them together. But days later, experiencing something similar while I was alone triggered a memory that made me miss Andy acutely.

Dudes, I have experienced this too fucking often. Usually it's food. I'll be going to dinner, see they have strawberries or tomatoes, or I'll be at the grocery store and see a pack of Ferrero Rochers and I's like someone punches me in the gut. Especially if I'm eating tomatoes (and no, I am not explaining that one any further).

Sigh, 59 days.

Oh-oh! And this. Man, I want to throw this in the face of so many people.

Plus, multiple studies have found that LDR couples' levels of relationship satisfaction, intimacy, trust, and commitment are identical to their geographically close counterparts. LDR couples might worry more about infidelity, but they don't actually cheat more.

axeslade: (utena/anthy)
So. Two years. What I can quite safely say have been the best two years of my life. Yeah, I've been tearing through a lot of my own personal baggage re: relationships, gender/sexuality, etc and that's been hard. But I've also been figuring out what I've just been hanging onto for too long for the dumbest of reasons and letting it go; figuring out the whys and wherefores of many of the things that trigger my anxiety and depression and at least trying to deal with them. Even if I havne't always been successful, I am trying to make myself the best person I can be, for myself. Because I want so badly to enjoy this for what it is, and not constantly hold it up to other things in my life drawing comparisons.

So, when I say that Girl is the best thing that has happened to me, I am not just saying that because I love her or because of how much I know (and how wonderful it is to know) she loves me. But because she's made me want to be a better person. For her, and for myself.

axeslade: (utena/anthy)
Reading other people's posts, I just have to say that I am glad that I'm not the only one who turns into an insufferable bitch right before leaving my SO and the day I come back/after they leave, just because it's the only alternative to actually showing how much it hurts to be away from part of yourself.

In other words, the next two months will draaag, but then those three weeks will fly by :(


axeslade: (Default)
A most peculiar mademoiselle

January 2011

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