axeslade: (k.d. lang)
I think on sites that insist on shoving me into the binary, I'll start listing myself as a man. If I *have* to go into a box, I'll admit that the one of a bisexual man is the least confining.

Bleh. Random buzzy brain is random and buzzy.
axeslade: (Default)
I should not be surprised at the amount of paperwork there is to do before a psych eval, but urrrgh. Something about 'describe your average diet'--um. Well, some days it's calimari pasta, some days it's Hamburger Helper. THERE IS NO AVERAGE IN MY LIFE. *headdesk*

Also, I have to remember to call to confirm the appointment. Will do that...Tuesday.
axeslade: (stephen fry)
So, after a meeting with the nurse practioner (who agrees that I definitely have manic highs; I just write instead of spending gobs of cash on junk or going on a bender), I just need to fill out some paperwork and I'll be getting cheap/free Wellbutrin to see how that works--it would be for the depressive swings not the manic, but...yes.

Still nervous, obviously, but having someone agree that what's going right now is not normal or healthy was very nice.

I need a Stephen Fry icon for posts like this...

ETA: I should have an appointment with an actual psychiatrist at 8:30 on November 10th (will need to find out where the building is...)

ETA #2: Looking at the form I have to fill out, of course they ask for my gender. Urgh. Form for anti-depressants making me slightly depressed! That's my life.

ETA #3: *points up* Haters gonna hate
axeslade: (queen of wands future will eat me)
Watching Stephen Fry's The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive...I don't completely recognise myself in these people, but I see bits and that's...kind of hard.

But at the same time, I think it'll make it easier in some ways to talk about my various episodes (this is not to say I think for sure that I'm bipolar--although according to Dr. Google it and ADHD are often related or mistaken for each other). Just watching this and listening to various peoples' episodes I am reminded of some of mine. 'Oh, yeah, I had a moment like that. Yeah, I had a few months where I did this', etc. (Example: I definitely had a major depressive episode during my senior year...but, at the same time, writing a 400+ page novel in 60 days while also doing a show sounds a bit manic and that happened at the same time. Oh, and I remember having serious suicidal thoughts during that time, and had a bit of a snap two days after the show ended. Urrrf).

...tomorrow is going to be a really interesting day.

ETA: Oh, hey, girl whose depression kills her ability to write and how she's not herself when it's gone etc. Um. Goddamn.
axeslade: (Default)
Made an appointment for tomorrow (8:15--almost 3 hours before I'd have to be on campus normally, urrrgh) for depression screening.

Nervous, but too sick to really feel it. However, catching up with another friend and doing the 'yeah, well, I would be doing this but I can't get up the energy, etc' and him going 'yeeeah, that sounds like depression all right' is making me feel...well, hopeful that this apathy is something I can do something about.

ETA: Not sure what it says that, while listening to I Am The Doctor, I'm trying to tell myself 'WTF do I have to be depressed about? I didn't have to kill my entire race to try and save the universe from the Daleks. Hell, even Eleven manages to be pretty cheery, and look and what he went through as Ten and in the finale of this season!'

...dudes, I don't even.
axeslade: (lucas silveria)
So apparently Lucas Silveria of the Cliks has been on T for a year, which explains why his voice sounded very different in the last live vid I saw.

This is just a post to say that I am happy for him, but crushed personally which is ridiculous but...Lucas is one of the few moderately famous transmen I know of who was not on T (due to fear of fucking up his voice/having to take time off to relearn how to sing) and said things like 'I don't need a handlebar mustache to prove I'm a man'. And that was kind of empowering for this little genderfucker.

I completely understand that even if it wasn't in his plan originally, our dysphoria can shift and surgeries/hormones we hadn't planned originally can become necessary for our sanity. And I hope that was it; not for 'passing' in society but to be happy with himself. He seemed happy in his '1 year on T!' tweet today. And I'm sure he still believes you don't need a mustache/T/a 'normal' cock to be a man. It'll just take awhile for me to integrate this into my reality. And, while his new voice is very sexy, I did love his old one. *blasts Snakehouse*
axeslade: (queen of wands future will eat me)
So for a variety of reasons, I had a total freakout to my mom on the phone. Second time in less than two weeks.

A lot of stuff was talked about. But the thing that I'm posting about is the important one, and I'm posting so I can't chicken out of it: due to THINGS, I'm finally going to Student Health Services on Tuesday to see about getting on anti-depressants. Hopefully just short term. I just need something to get me out of the thing that's been going on in my head for the last year that I can't quite name.

Blllleeegh. *goes back to watching Covert Affairs finale*
axeslade: (Default)
Oh hey, I had whole wheat pasta last night and it doesn't feel like a thousand knives are trying to tear their way out of my body.

So maybe the pizza problem is the fact that pizza places use flour with higher gluten content. Or it's a moderation thing. *shrug*
axeslade: (Default)
Dear people who romanticise Vincent Van Gogh's mental disturbances (and those of other artsy folks):

Recently acquitted from the hospital, Van Gogh suffered a severe setback in December 1889. Although he had been troubled by mental illness throughout his life, the episodes became more pronounced during his last few years. In some of these periods he was either unwilling or unable to paint, a factor which added to the mounting frustrations of an artist at the peak of his ability. His depression gradually deepened. On 27 July 1890, aged 37, he walked into a field and shot himself in the chest with a revolver. He survived the impact and managed to walk back to the Ravoux Inn. He died there two days later. Theo rushed to be at his side. Theo reported his brother's last words as "La tristesse durera toujours" (the sadness will last forever)".

That? Not romantic. It feels like, to me, a really pretty way of saying 'even killing myself won't make the pain stop'. And that's just so horrible.

So yes. He saw the world differently partially due to his depression and painted some beautiful things. But that depression often caused him to be unable to do what he loved, and ultimately drove him to a death that, in his eyes, still couldn't save him from suffering.

Mental illness isn't romantic, okay? It sucks. Sometimes we take the suck and turn it into something good, but overall IT JUST SUCKS.

The extent to which his mental illness affected his painting has been a subject of speculation since his death. Despite a widespread tendency to romanticise his ill health, modern critics see an artist deeply frustrated by the inactivity and incoherence brought about by his bouts of sickness. According to art critic Robert Hughes, Van Gogh's late works show an artist at the height of his ability, completely in control and "longing for concision and grace"

...yeah.

*All quotes from the wiki article
axeslade: (Default)
-Had a hike in Geology Lab today. I started shaking before we even GOT to the mountain. Fuck you, legs. Also, fuck you guy who tried to urge me to climb higher when I said very clearly 'I don't think I should', and when I was visibly having trouble. I know my limits most of the time. I knew the feeling I was having--legs shaking, gut rising, etc (I did throw up a small bit on the way to the parking lot--very normal for me, but still very annoying). I did manage to walk around to get a better vantage of some rocks, but seriously. Fuck you. (Thank you awesome Prof who understood). This is why I don't go out often. I LIKE the outdoors, but it is not kind to me or my broken parts.
-Just changed my name on Facebook to [chosen name]. While I am not legally [chosen name]...I made [given name] my alternate, and most people who will meet me now are given [chosen name] right off anyway, so there we are.
-Arrrgh, Quizno's last night was a baaad idea. But so gooood. Stupid broken body.
axeslade: (queen of wands future will eat me)
So, this NYT piece on how a partner's transition changes you...yeah.

I need to blather on that when I'm not getting ready for classes. But quick hit: Yes. Yes I am horribly afraid of what my transition, however long it ends up lasting, will do to us. I've said this before and I will keep saying it. It's not because I don't trust or believe Girl when she says she'll love me no matter what changes I make to this body. I believe that. It's just...well, as articles like this make clear, it is more complicated than that. Although, I think, it will be more so on MY end as I'm the one who is more openly, fabulously queer.

...yeah, more when I'm actually awake.
axeslade: (utena/anthy)
First: Why do I not have the Jack/Ianto snog icon on this account? BAH.

Second: Pondering auction fic...and realising another thing I have in common with Jack in many ways--wanting to protect the people I love from me, from having to love me and deal with my messed up self. Yeah, I'm not immortal. But it's hard to deny that even before the immortality Jack was pretty fucked up.

But Jack, and myself...well. We want to protect people from ourselves--but that doesn't stop us wanting them. I've read many posts on how Jack's great fault and great salvation is his love. And, yeah, I can totally get that.

I've said many times how I wouldn't care nearly as much if I get gay/trans bashed were I not now with Girl. How, yes, I do try to chase her away sometimes for her own good (and I have to stop doing that. I have to trust that she has informed consent, etc. MAH ISSUES!)

And, well, again...even if she doesn't look as good in a suit (though she looks damn good in red)...Girl really is my Ianto sometimes. From The Sin Eaters

Years of trying and trying and sometimes succeeding....being himself. Being hated, being lonely. No one good enough, not able to mend, not able to stop the pain.
"Jack!"
Ianto was holding his hand. He kissed him. "You okay?"
"Yeah. C'mere, you." He gave Ianto a massive hug. He needed him. Sometimes more than he'd like to admit.


We've had our moments like that, and I am so grateful for them.
axeslade: (lily allen)
Kind of tangentally related to that last post: I realised this before I went over to check Shakesville after lunch but...for the first time probably since July, I'm feeling...good.

I had a meltdown on the phone with my mother yesterday. I'd known this meltdown was in the works for awhile, but really just needed someone to trigger it (this is not an insult to my mother--she knows, as I do, that I can really only fall apart around her and occasionally Girl without feeling horrible about it later).

There's a lot of things that built up to form the mass of unhappy in my head. And not all of them are gone (they probably never will be, and I accept that). But enough of it is cleared out that I can function again without feeling like I'm going to break (believe me, you did NOT want to be in my head these last two weeks. Woooh boy).

So tonight, after reading/school work (providing I get done at a reasonable hour), I'm going to start on my auction fic. It might be a few days late, but I'm sure my recipent will understand.

Tomorrow, providing schedules work, K and I will go to the bank to get transfers done.

By Friday, I should be able to purchase tickets for Christmas.

All will be well, this too shall pass, blah blah blah.
axeslade: (Default)
Via Shakesville: My Body Is Mine

I shouldn't have to say it because everyone should know it, but FUCKING THIS.

Let's respect each other's bodily autonomy, okay? Okay.
axeslade: (sealbomb)
The 'post a picture as you are right now, no makeup etc' meme.



Yes, I need a haircut like woah. WHY THE HELL DO I ALWAYS FORGET A HAIRBRUSH WHEN I MOVE? I have a comb, but a comb will get eaten by that thing right now.
axeslade: (Default)
Urgh. I may have to break down and let my grandmother give K and I a ride when we next go to Safeway, because my body is so broken right now it's not even funny, and I doubt the next day and a half will be enough to fix it and since I have to walk to campus every day (not far at all, but when I am this broken it feels like miles)...urrrgh.
axeslade: (queen of wands future will eat me)
Oh, hai depression, anxiety and pain. Please, take over my life for another week+. I don't need it!

lolsob.
axeslade: (lucas silveria)
N.Y. Governor signs anti-bullying bill that is gay and trans inclusive

In a statement, Rea Carey, executive director of the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force, said Paterson’s signing of the bill is important because for many LGBT students “going to school is tantamount to a daily dose of torture.”

“We have repeatedly seen the tragic consequences of this pervasive problem: young people are left emotionally damaged, physically hurt, or feel they have no other option than to take their own lives out of hopelessness and despair,” she said. ”Youth who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender – or simply perceived to be – are often the targets of this abuse.”

Charles Robbins, executive director of the Trevor Project, an organization devoted to suicide prevention for LGBT youth, also applauded Paterson’s action.

“Considering more than half of sexual minority youth in schools have been verbally harassed and one in ten is physically assaulted, the Dignity for All Students Act with the inclusion of gender identity and expression will be a giant step to reducing instances of self-harm and suicide that result from harassment by school peers,” Robbins said.


Fuck yes. Now, future home, the marriage thing. You're doing better than some places, but really.
axeslade: (lily allen)
Living off campus but still close is a going to be a good thing for my legs. Have walked to campus twice (and still have to go back again) and into town once (to deposit Girl's check and grab lunch) all before noon, and since I tend to walk a lot at work and today is my long-ish day...woooh.
axeslade: (juno cheese)
-Girl betting me one of her male sims will get knocked up by aliens, losing said bet and owing me a three-pack of Ferrero Rochers---even though my only answer to her challenge was to laugh.
-Getting the check from Girl for Christmas-flight tickets, and finding said check in a letter that, along with a few other phrases, had the phrase 'I love you' all down the page.
-Girl snarling at people who call me [birth name]--even though I never, ever asked her to call me [chosen name].
-Rereading the letter Girl sent me admitting her crush and realising once more that sometimes life doesn't suck squirrel balls.
-...basically, Girl.

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A most peculiar mademoiselle

January 2011

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