In the end it all works out
Aug. 24th, 2008 03:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
axesladeI bet you guys are looking forward for me being in school so I'll post less, huh? ^_^
But just now...reading a story on Bileirco, stories from the helpline (Trevor Hotline)...I realized again how lucky I've been. That I'm not a statistic in so many ways. I never attempted suicide (I'm not saying I never thought about self-injury, as I have, especially in the last few years re: the breasts). I never skipped school or wanted to. Yes, I was tortured by the girls at my school, both before and after I was forced to come out. And their words still sting more than any punch-the one who told me no one would care if I died, the one who called me a gay whore. Those words still make me angry, because they're not true. And I'll admit that way back when, that first one I believed. I had so few people in my life, and most of them were online. I told her she was wrong, but I didn't believe it. But looking at my life now...I have so many people who would care. And I'm far from a whore. I'm still uncomfortable in a locker room, but now I understand why. In middle school, I believed it was simply my attraction to other women. And that was part of it, but not all. Honestly, the discomfort of others doesn't bother me anymore.
I realize that in the next ten years, it's going to get harder. Trying to explain my gender/sexual identity and my reasons for having a mastectomy to people, dealing with what employers and others are sure to think of all of that. I'm sure I'll gain and lose people during that time, just as I did when I came out. But I'm really okay with that. Because I know the people who stand by me are the ones who really matter. I don't need to have those other people polluting my life.
But just now...reading a story on Bileirco, stories from the helpline (Trevor Hotline)...I realized again how lucky I've been. That I'm not a statistic in so many ways. I never attempted suicide (I'm not saying I never thought about self-injury, as I have, especially in the last few years re: the breasts). I never skipped school or wanted to. Yes, I was tortured by the girls at my school, both before and after I was forced to come out. And their words still sting more than any punch-the one who told me no one would care if I died, the one who called me a gay whore. Those words still make me angry, because they're not true. And I'll admit that way back when, that first one I believed. I had so few people in my life, and most of them were online. I told her she was wrong, but I didn't believe it. But looking at my life now...I have so many people who would care. And I'm far from a whore. I'm still uncomfortable in a locker room, but now I understand why. In middle school, I believed it was simply my attraction to other women. And that was part of it, but not all. Honestly, the discomfort of others doesn't bother me anymore.
I realize that in the next ten years, it's going to get harder. Trying to explain my gender/sexual identity and my reasons for having a mastectomy to people, dealing with what employers and others are sure to think of all of that. I'm sure I'll gain and lose people during that time, just as I did when I came out. But I'm really okay with that. Because I know the people who stand by me are the ones who really matter. I don't need to have those other people polluting my life.
