You don't know the power that you have...

[axeslade]

I hate admitting how dependent I am on people. I guess it's because for a long time (grade-middle school), I had no one to lean on. So I had to rely on myself in a sense. I couldn't trust anyone. The problem comes up, when I actually did myself trust...and then those people pulled out. It's like, I finally had a shoulder to lean and then, oop, it's gone and I fall face first onto the pavement.

I know this seems random, but I'm listening to Tori right now and being freshly struck by the beauty that is Tear In Your Hand live, and...I just can't believe I let myself lose that beauty. Because of one fucking person.

And the funny thing is, the reclamation hasn't come because I'm suddenly so independant again. It's because I've found another shoulder. A sturdier one.

And as overjoyed as I am, I'm scared. Once burned twice shy and all that rot. I'm trying not to be scared. I really am. But...I don't know. Maybe I'm just taking a page out of Burke's book. When you stop being afraid, that's when you should really worry about what you're becoming. The funny thing, I'm not so much afraid of it not working as I'm afraid of me not being...not not good enough, but just not enough. Like I gave too much of myself to this other person, too much that I just can't get back, that there isn't enough to go into this.

Or maybe it's just too fucking late and I should stop rambling and go to bed.