(no subject)

Rewatching Christopher Titus' Love Is Evol special...the last quarter or so is about his new relationship, which reminds me so much of myself and Bri. And the end...

I am the Martin Luther King of love in here tonight, people. I want everyone I know to be happy. Because guess what? [referring to wanting to 'be an ice cream man in space' when he was young] I have found my ice cream truck. That's right. And I feel like astronaut. 'Cause every day with her is a day in outer space. I have a dream; because I lived a nightmare. You can be happy.

I'm not sure if his advice about getting away from the crazy we stick ourselves with would have gotten through to me when I was in the thick of it with NE. But where I'm at now, and especially the end...it feels nice to relate to it.

How do you define something that never really had a name....

More rambly, thanks to Christopher Titus.

Throughout Love is Evol, he talks about staying with crazy people who hurt us and accuse us of things, because we think we can't do better. Because, well, if they treat us like this, how worthless must we be? Maybe that's the best we can do. So we can't leave them. Because, as he says, we just want to be loved. And we convince ourselves that this is love.

I don't have the same family background he does (quite the contrary, anyway). But he does mention how just one relationship like that can skew your view for all future relationships. He refers to it in the context of one bad relationship can make you distrustful of all others. But it can also make you go into relationships feeling worthless because one person made you feel worthless.

I had two.

Now, neither were formal relationships in anyway. But due to various things that went down and how they affected me, I class them that way in my head. Some of you know about the some of the shit NE pulled while we were 'together'. And how I kept going back. I know I thought, even if I never said it to any of you (because you would have hit me) 'well, I must have done something to make them do it. It's not them, it's me'.

This is probably due to shit that went down in the relationship before, with FS (who I feel honestly is much less to blame than me for what went down). Things got said that made me question my self worth at a time when it was already quite tiny. I don't think what FS did is anyway comparable to what NE did, but it set me up to accept NE's bullshit because I felt like I had to do a kind of emotional penance. 'Yes, I am a selfish git. Okay, stomp all over me, I've earned it, it's karma'. I won't say what went down with FS due to the fact it's not my right to tell certain parts, but believe me, there were things that happened that...yeah, maybe I did need to do my time for it. But not like that. I know that now. What NE did? Surpasses any hell I earned for what happened with FS. No one deserves what happened with NE.

'No duh', you're saying, if you know some of what NE did to me. I thought I deserved it. I think that's why I'm comfortable now saying that, yes, it probably was abuse in some ways. What it did to my emotional well being, the fact I kept going back because I believed it would change and NE really cared, etc, that I could never do better... NE never beat me, but they sure did a number on my head.

I have a dream; because I lived a nightmare. There's a reason that resonates so much with me.

...man, I blather a lot.