(no subject)

Gah. Had a dream last night...I don't remember most of it, but what I do remember...some stupid guy trying to hit on me, not in a slimeballish way, but still. Then me explaining to him that I'm a queer boi, 'b-o-i'. Some bitch apparently heard this, and then her and some guys are calling out things with the word 'boi' in them, and following me to my dorm. I woke up before it ended, but I know the reason I woke up was the same thing I feared in my dream: that I was going to get bashed.

*sigh*Damn it. I'm just glad I was able to get back to sleep since I woke up at fucking six.

You know she likes me better...

Via youtube, I've seen a lot of videos by FTM's (one in particular) worrying about their masculinity. Especially when they're dating straight girls, they worry that they aren't 'man' enough.

And I will admit, this thought passes through my mind from time to time.

I know it's ridiculous. Doesn't stop me from thinking it. I think part of it is I had always planned, before, to have to take care of myself, be my own provider. So I still feel like I should be. And I know that's probably not the way it's going to be, and it bothers me.

It bothers me that, should assholes come by, I can't protect her. (note to self: look into self defense classes)

But songs like this remind us that not every woman wants a macho man. ^_^

Apologies if this is a crap post, got a bit of a headache,

Girls, they're getting harder

Pretty happy. While looking around at ftm stuf today (comparing prices on top surgery) I found The Tool Shed. They sell a packing harness tht is cheaper than the one at babeland, and one of their two packers is actually cheaper as well. So, possibly by the time next semster starts, I can have a harness and softpacker I actually like. And I can be me full-time.

I think I've come to terms with my packing thing, too. Today while at transitionalmale.com, while looking at post-op pics, I came upon those for lower surgery. And there was one pre-op pic of a guy's lowers affected by T.

I won't link to the pictures, but go to the website (thetransitionalmale.com...make sure you spell it right, otherwise you get a porn site), and lower surgery photos and the pictures I'm talking about at the very bottom of the last page. I just...

I want that. Lowers that would make a doctor blink. But I can't. I mean, I could do T. But as some boi (I'm really not sure of the preferred pronoun, believe sie's GQ) has said, you can't pick and choose what effects you get with T.

So, packing is the best I can get. At least it can give me that...*searches for word*it'll feel different enough for me that I'll feel closer to right.

Looking at those pictures assured me that I DON'T want a dick. My skin crawled when I saw them, just like with god-given dick. I'm just not quite digging what I have going on right now.

Sigh.