Sometimes you just get burned

I had two really bad dreams last night, one of which was violent and the other involving NE in a sexual manner.

Guess which one disturbed me more?

I am not sure if in dream-world the sex was like it had always been with us, aka not real and very roleplay or...otherwise. NE was not clearly 'there'--there was no person who looked like hir, or hir voice (which, thank everything, is VERY faint in my mind). I honestly couldn't tell you what, specifically, made me realise this was an NE dream--besides the fact that my heart was hurting and screaming at my brain to wake the fuck up. Which I did, eventually. Then I went back to sleep after gasping for a few minutes and had the violent dream, and while disturbed, was glad. Which is pretty fucked up given what that dream was like.

Listening to Melissa helps.

I won't scream in my head and let it isolate me

And of course now sie's rattling around in my head. Some of the things that are bubbling up today are things that used to haunt me every day, but lately I've been able to keep them out for longer and longer. This is nice, but it also means it's much more frustrating and painful when they do come back.

Sigh.

Oh hai, Tegan and Sara! Make me feel better, lovelies.

I won't mistake you for problems with me
I won't let my moods ruin this you'll see
I won't take everything good and move it away
I won't be left dancing along to songs from the past

Fuck yes.

Words just can't explain

I just started reading The Dogs of Babel today and this bit...wow. It really does explain why I find it difficult to write about the more intimate (and not necessarily in *that* sense) parts of my relationship with Girl, even in private venues.

I haven't told you how we slept in the same tiny motel room for four humid Florida nights, and how it wasn't until our last night there that Lexy crossed the room and came into my bed. How she whispered to me, "I don't usually do this on the first date" as she ran her hands over my long-forsaken body. I mention these things, the warm air, the cool sheets, the fresh joy of Lexy lying beside me, in the interest of not skipping over anything that might prove important. But in truth, they are not things I can speak of very easily. I touched her, and it felt like coming home. What more is there to say?