.....

This is something I haven't told anyone yet.

Since--oh, April, probably--I haven't heard voices. Characters voices. Besides fanfic, but that's different. Hell, I think I felt it going then.

First time in a long, long time that it's been that long a stretch. Even if I wasn't writing, I was hearing them. Feeling them. Now, all I hear is silence. All I feel is the absence of feeling.

And the characters who came before--I don't feel what I used to for them. Any of them.

It all feels like badfic, looking at it now.

This is the most terrifying thing ever, to me.

I haven't questioned what I want to do with my life for ten years now.

And suddenly I am. Every second. Because every word I write feels forced. Every idea is crap. None of it is organic and alive and wonderful anymore.

There's something really, really wrong right now and I don't know what it is. Depression, gender dysphoria, something else, I don't know. I just feel the void where this wonderful thing used to be and I don't know how to get it back.

There. Maybe I can sleep now.


EDIT: curriejean (who will likely not see this) has suggested doing NaNo this year to shut up my internal editor. I may just use the current fic I'm writing. It'd be something, anyway.

EDIT THE SECOND: Have signed up for NaNo. Unless something else tackles me, will be using the current fic and will be shoving aside the nagging voice in the head (that I think is related to my grandmother) that I should be doing 'respectable' fiction for it. F you, voice. Fandom is respectable, some words are better than no words, etc.

(no subject)

Before I run off to drop things off at club (feeling a bit off, so going ot stay in tonight, but have officery things to do), things that must be done ASAP!

-Studying for Brit Lit final (Thurs!)
-Mass Comm paper (due Fri!)
-Finish Chaucer memorization
-Brit Lit paper topic, OMFG
-Note taking for NaNo. Ugh.

Will probably remember more after I nap.

(no subject)

Swiped from splix


Leave me a comment saying "Resistance is Futile."
• I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can satisfy my curiosity
• Update your journal with the answers to the questions
• Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions


She gave me these.

1. How did you come to fandom?

Oh gosh. Er. I think I've been writing fanfic in some form forever. But I somehow stumbled upon ff.net when I was in middle school, saw they had a section for Labyrinth and started posting. Most of the stuff was trash (all of it, probably). But I shortly found my way to rattlebeak.com and their weekly chats, and found a community. That fizzled quickly, but I discovered that I wasn't alone in my geekdom (as I had thought I was due to living in a rural area and going to a very small school). One of the friends from that chat turned me on to Velvet Goldmine and it just continued.

2. Describe your favorite clothes - a full outfit, if you can, something that makes you feel confident and snazzy when you wear it.

Oooh. Right now? My black trousers, this beautiful red-and-silver pinstriped shirt (with my breasts bound), and my boys' dress shoes. Oh man.

3. What is your fondest obsession right now and why?
Oooh. Hrm. Probably Torchwood? Despite the what could have been that I'm sure all of us will be thinking post-what happened this summer...I still love what was. It wasn't perfect. It was cracky and sometimes it failed hardcore in matters of gender (And continuity). But there were times when it got the notion that physical gender has no bearing on who we fall for, that sexuality is fluid and this is not a big deal--I could have used that growing up. I want to believe that the first two series (and some of the tie-in media) will find its way to young people just coming to realize that they do not fit into heteronormative land--or that media will take lessons from what it did right and will *not* fail in the way it did the end.

4. What would you tell your 12 year old self if you could?
Nurture your writing on your own. Have fun with her, but don't let her become the be all and end all of what you do creatively.

5. Say something you'd like to tell someone, that you've been repressing for whatever reason.
I want to believe you didn't mean any of it. That you didn't realize you were hurting me all that time. But you were, and you should have realized it. You should have cut me off instead of stringing me along. I hate you because you gave me wounds that have still not completely healed. I hate you because you took a part of me away; a part I will never be able to share with anyone again. I hate you because I was always looking at you and what you couldn't (wouldn't ) give me, that I didn't see what was right in front of me until it was quite possibly too late. I hate you because if you called, I would probably still come running.