Reading Stone Butch Blues...amazing, really, but..it's breaking my heart at the same time. So many femmes telling Jess not to become too 'stone'. To keep a part of her self soft. But knowing that she can't, because then the world will destroy her. Knowing she'll have to become the stereotype to survive.
And I remembered...way back in freshman year. I'd been complaining about how people gave me shit all the time, but it didn't seem like the one openly flaming gay boy was being harassed at all. And Mom said something about how, sometimes, you have to be the stereotype to get people to leave you alone. That conforming to what they think you are stops it. And I wanted so badly to not do that. I think that's why a huge part of me rejected my male identity. I was so afraid of being that stereotypical stone cold butch. I'm still afraid of that.
But...the male in me is afraid of it to.
Neither side of me is 'butch'. I look it, sure. But I'm not and never will be. The male in me is such a fucking queen.
But both sides are afraid about what will happen if I'm not a butch stereotype. People might back off of you and your partner if you're a bull. They're not scared of queens.
...I had a better entry planned out a few hours ago, but I'm tired now. Maybe this made sense. 'Night all.
---
"All wants me to be tough. You and Mona and the other femmes are always telling me to stay sweet, stay tender. How can I be both?
Jaqueline touched my cheek. "Al's right, really. It's selfish of us girls, I guess. We want you to be strong enough to survive the shit you take. We love how strong you are. But butches get the shit kicked out of their hearts too. And I guess we just sometimes wish there was a way to protect your hearts and keep you all tender for us, you know?"
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