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Jan. 26th, 2009 03:17 pmSo, missing school today due to being trapped at home becuase of the snow. Blah. Hopefully I'll be able to get in tomorrow though.
But...better. After yesterday's horribly dysphoric phase which was intensified by a horrible first day of the period (I woke up at three in the morning, unable to get back to sleep becuase the pain in my back and legs was so bad, until mom gave me a muscle relaxer)...I feel...right.
It comes in waves. The crests-horrible times when I just can't stand any single piece of my body and I don't know why I'm trying-with the times when I'm very in tune with myself and comfortable between them. The problem is that sometimes those crests wreck me so bad that I find it nearly impossible to enjoy the calm, and then another crest and vicious cycle.
But I'm enjoying it right now. I think having a crest that was physically painful helped, simply because right now I'm reveling in being physicaly comfortable, so the mental pain has kind of been shoved into the corner.
So I'm happy today. I've been rereading old e-mails from Bri, and that helps a lot sometimes. I don't always believe that she's dealing with my issues as well as it seems and that she's putting up a false front for me-but at times like this I can accept that maybe I really did find someone who's open and understanding and that, hey, I should stop undermining my own happiness and just enjoy the fact that I didn't have to go through all the romantic bullshit most people do.
I know that this kind of good day won't always happen. Keeping myself focused on the good is hard. But I'm hoping to figure out how to do it on a regular basis without too much angst.
But...better. After yesterday's horribly dysphoric phase which was intensified by a horrible first day of the period (I woke up at three in the morning, unable to get back to sleep becuase the pain in my back and legs was so bad, until mom gave me a muscle relaxer)...I feel...right.
It comes in waves. The crests-horrible times when I just can't stand any single piece of my body and I don't know why I'm trying-with the times when I'm very in tune with myself and comfortable between them. The problem is that sometimes those crests wreck me so bad that I find it nearly impossible to enjoy the calm, and then another crest and vicious cycle.
But I'm enjoying it right now. I think having a crest that was physically painful helped, simply because right now I'm reveling in being physicaly comfortable, so the mental pain has kind of been shoved into the corner.
So I'm happy today. I've been rereading old e-mails from Bri, and that helps a lot sometimes. I don't always believe that she's dealing with my issues as well as it seems and that she's putting up a false front for me-but at times like this I can accept that maybe I really did find someone who's open and understanding and that, hey, I should stop undermining my own happiness and just enjoy the fact that I didn't have to go through all the romantic bullshit most people do.
I know that this kind of good day won't always happen. Keeping myself focused on the good is hard. But I'm hoping to figure out how to do it on a regular basis without too much angst.
