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Chapter 5
Squee, just passed Brianna
Chapter 5
February 5, 1982-6:30 AM
Mandy jumped when the phone rang, heart racing furiously and calming only slightly when she saw James was still asleep. Thank God, he needed the rest.
She reached over for the phone, trying to sound as awake as she could.
“Who’s this?”
“Your darling sister calling to wish her brother in law a happy birthday. My time off again?”
Mandy laughed when she heard Jo’s voice.
“Just a little. It’s six thirty in the morning.”
“Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m glad you called. I need someone to talk to.”
“Uh-oh, trouble in paradise?”
“If you were here, I’d hit you for that.”
“Which is why I only say these things when we’re an ocean away. Now talk.”
Mandy sighed, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed and resting the arm holding the phone against her thigh.
“Well, for one thing I’m pregnant-“
“Finally! You guys have been together, what, six years? I’ve been sitting here thinking you were hiding one from me!”
“We’re not that bad.”
“Uh-huh, tell that to the poor bedframe I heard you guys busted at a hotel the one time he took you on tour with him.”
“ANYway…that’s the least of our troubles.”
“What, he got another girl pregnant too?”
“Jo.”
“Sorry hon. Just trying to lighten things up since you sound really grotty.”
“I am” she bit her lip, swallowing the knot in her throat and blinking furiously to fight away the tears that came on anytime she talked about James’ ‘condition’.
“James….he contracted HIV.”
“The gay disease?”
“Yeah…and he probably got it from me.”
“Christ.”
“I know.”
“So how long…”
“A couple months to a couple years. They can’t give us any definite answers. They’ve got him on this medication that makes him worse most of the time, he can hardly get out of bed now…”
“God, I’m so sorry…I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I just needed to talk to someone. I’m so terrified right now…” she sniffed softly and wiped her hand across her face.
“Anyway, I’d better go before James wakes up.”
“Yeah. Call me anytime you need to talk, okay?”
“’Kay. Love ya sis.”
“Love you too. Cheers” the phone clicked and Mandy flopped back onto the bed, sobbing into her pillow. She’d given into this urge more often than she liked to admit. Whenever James was sleeping or just not around, she cried. Sometimes only for a little bit, but on days like this…
She felt a hand on her shoulder and lifted her head up, sniffling and trying to make it look like her eyes were just red from sleep.
“Mmm? Oh, hey luv.”
James frowned, running a hand through her hair.
“You were crying.”
“What? No, I was just-“
“I heard you. I’ve been awake for five minutes.”
Mandy cast her eyes down, turning from him. He caught her hands with one of his, placing the other in her hair.
“I hear you cry a lot, Mand. I’m worried about you. You’ve stopped taking care of yourself to worry about me.”
“That’s silly.”
“I know you don’t eat much and you look tired all the time.”
She fell silent at this and James kissed her neck, gently rubbing her shoulder.
“Luv, I know you care about me but you can’t neglect yourself and the baby.”
She tensed a little at his last word. She hadn’t really thought about the baby that much. She kept saying to those who mentioned her appearance that she was pregnant like it was a horrible malady. She didn’t think about the child, their child. It was impossible to think about things like that now.
James rested his forehead against her back, murmuring softly into her skin.
“You blame yourself, don’t you?”
She lifted her head and turned her eyes to glance at him.
“What?”
“That’s why you act like this. You blame yourself for me getting the virus.”
Mandy sighed.
“How can’t I? If I was…if I was like normal women, I would have found out sooner and you might not…” she sobbed, tearing away and actually clawing a little at her skin.
“If I wasn’t such a freak, you might not be dying!”
James hesitantly reached out, grabbing her arm to stop her nails from digging into her flesh.
“Shh. You’re not a freak, you know that. You’re beautiful and unique and-“
“Oh cut it!” she screeched.
“Deep down I know you blame me and wish you’d married a normal woman instead of some dog!”
James’ eyes grew dark and sad at this, and he sighed.
“Mandy. I’ve always loved you, and even though it has cost me many things, I’ve never regretted marrying you. You have to know that.”
She shook her head, drawing her legs as close to herself as she could and resting her forehead on her knees.
“Could you…could you just leave me alone for a little bit?”
James sighed, but nodded and drew away. Before he got up, though, he kissed her forehead.
“I love you. Don’t you ever forget that, no matter what happens.” and then, before Mandy even took a breath, he got up and left.
Chapter 5
February 5, 1982-6:30 AM
Mandy jumped when the phone rang, heart racing furiously and calming only slightly when she saw James was still asleep. Thank God, he needed the rest.
She reached over for the phone, trying to sound as awake as she could.
“Who’s this?”
“Your darling sister calling to wish her brother in law a happy birthday. My time off again?”
Mandy laughed when she heard Jo’s voice.
“Just a little. It’s six thirty in the morning.”
“Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m glad you called. I need someone to talk to.”
“Uh-oh, trouble in paradise?”
“If you were here, I’d hit you for that.”
“Which is why I only say these things when we’re an ocean away. Now talk.”
Mandy sighed, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed and resting the arm holding the phone against her thigh.
“Well, for one thing I’m pregnant-“
“Finally! You guys have been together, what, six years? I’ve been sitting here thinking you were hiding one from me!”
“We’re not that bad.”
“Uh-huh, tell that to the poor bedframe I heard you guys busted at a hotel the one time he took you on tour with him.”
“ANYway…that’s the least of our troubles.”
“What, he got another girl pregnant too?”
“Jo.”
“Sorry hon. Just trying to lighten things up since you sound really grotty.”
“I am” she bit her lip, swallowing the knot in her throat and blinking furiously to fight away the tears that came on anytime she talked about James’ ‘condition’.
“James….he contracted HIV.”
“The gay disease?”
“Yeah…and he probably got it from me.”
“Christ.”
“I know.”
“So how long…”
“A couple months to a couple years. They can’t give us any definite answers. They’ve got him on this medication that makes him worse most of the time, he can hardly get out of bed now…”
“God, I’m so sorry…I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I just needed to talk to someone. I’m so terrified right now…” she sniffed softly and wiped her hand across her face.
“Anyway, I’d better go before James wakes up.”
“Yeah. Call me anytime you need to talk, okay?”
“’Kay. Love ya sis.”
“Love you too. Cheers” the phone clicked and Mandy flopped back onto the bed, sobbing into her pillow. She’d given into this urge more often than she liked to admit. Whenever James was sleeping or just not around, she cried. Sometimes only for a little bit, but on days like this…
She felt a hand on her shoulder and lifted her head up, sniffling and trying to make it look like her eyes were just red from sleep.
“Mmm? Oh, hey luv.”
James frowned, running a hand through her hair.
“You were crying.”
“What? No, I was just-“
“I heard you. I’ve been awake for five minutes.”
Mandy cast her eyes down, turning from him. He caught her hands with one of his, placing the other in her hair.
“I hear you cry a lot, Mand. I’m worried about you. You’ve stopped taking care of yourself to worry about me.”
“That’s silly.”
“I know you don’t eat much and you look tired all the time.”
She fell silent at this and James kissed her neck, gently rubbing her shoulder.
“Luv, I know you care about me but you can’t neglect yourself and the baby.”
She tensed a little at his last word. She hadn’t really thought about the baby that much. She kept saying to those who mentioned her appearance that she was pregnant like it was a horrible malady. She didn’t think about the child, their child. It was impossible to think about things like that now.
James rested his forehead against her back, murmuring softly into her skin.
“You blame yourself, don’t you?”
She lifted her head and turned her eyes to glance at him.
“What?”
“That’s why you act like this. You blame yourself for me getting the virus.”
Mandy sighed.
“How can’t I? If I was…if I was like normal women, I would have found out sooner and you might not…” she sobbed, tearing away and actually clawing a little at her skin.
“If I wasn’t such a freak, you might not be dying!”
James hesitantly reached out, grabbing her arm to stop her nails from digging into her flesh.
“Shh. You’re not a freak, you know that. You’re beautiful and unique and-“
“Oh cut it!” she screeched.
“Deep down I know you blame me and wish you’d married a normal woman instead of some dog!”
James’ eyes grew dark and sad at this, and he sighed.
“Mandy. I’ve always loved you, and even though it has cost me many things, I’ve never regretted marrying you. You have to know that.”
She shook her head, drawing her legs as close to herself as she could and resting her forehead on her knees.
“Could you…could you just leave me alone for a little bit?”
James sighed, but nodded and drew away. Before he got up, though, he kissed her forehead.
“I love you. Don’t you ever forget that, no matter what happens.” and then, before Mandy even took a breath, he got up and left.
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