axeslade: (ana matronic)
[personal profile] axeslade
[This post will get edited as more thoughts come to me]

I just read this wonderful takedown of 'It Gets Better' and why it's BS.

So, here's this.

I don't know when the bullying about my sexual orientation started. Probably sixth grade. I'd been bullied for numerous things before that (including not dating and not being an appropriate female in the right ways) so it all blurs together.

What I do remember is my horrifying, now-shameful desire to stay in the closet to all but immediate family and my dearest friends on the internet. I threw out things to try to make myself seem straight. 'Oh, I'd date a boy!...if he wore makeup for me in the bedroom'. 'Oh, if I had to pick one guy from that grade to date? B.' (who happened to have an ambiguous presentation at times). Etc, etc.

I didn't come out because I knew it would get better. In fact, the messages I got told me otherwise--people saying they would come to my funeral and laugh, etc. If what had happened the day I came out happened any other day, I might have stayed closeted until well into high school or later.

And it didn't get better after I came out. It got worse. I was all but thrown out of the girls' locker room. I was called a whore. My secret desires, told to people I thought were friends, were told to my objects of desire and I was shamed for them. Even when the boys asked me what girls I thought were cute, there was always a biting edge behind the words. That I was not a girl, but I was still not one of them because of my bits. That I was something different and less than.

High school got easier, right?

Yeah. I was dating all of my close friends, apparently, and my very knowledge of my desire questioned when I admitted I had never even kissed.

I didn't kill myself. And this is not because I was brave, or I knew there would be something to look forward to. I just didn't. Sometimes, looking back at how much I hurt back then, I don't know why.

I can't tell someone to not kill themselves because it will end. I cannot tell them to step out of the closet because then they won't hate themselves. That would be horribly disingenuous. I can't even say 'if you kill yourself, they win'.

What I can say is this. They are wrong. They are full of hate and fear. You do not need to change. They do. You do not need to come out of the closet if doing so will get you kicked out of your home or beat up or killed. People need to not kick you out or beat you up or kill you.

I'm not telling you to stay in the closet, either. Be yourself. Play football, paint, act, do what makes you happy even if the gender and sexual binary says you shouldn't. If you get hurt and scared because of what people do? Tell people when you are attacked. If an authority figure doesn't listen, tell another one. Tell a friend. Keep telling people until someone DOES SOMETHING. If someone tells you to just shut up and play along, shout until someone realises that you are not the one with the problem.

(I don't think this is finished yet, but the emotional fatigue has set in)
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axeslade: (Default)
A most peculiar mademoiselle

January 2011

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