axeslade: (queen of wands future will eat me)
So Mom called to blather about the things she's bringing to the apartment next, etc. She asks if I want my old computer.

The one that crashed just a little bit after the last time NE pulled shit. That had a lot of the things pertaining to that relationship on it.

At first, when I was all crazy about them, I wanted to get the hard drive taken out to see if anything could be salvaged. This never happened for various reasons.

And on the phone...I blithered. 'Well, the only things of value are relating to...and part of me wants to, but at the same time, it would be a really bad idea, blither blither'

Her: Okay, I'll just put it in your closet.

...near the books NE gave me. I also mentioned how, unknowingly, when she cleaned the closet Mom probably put some of those books into my things. And she says something about how I can throw them out if I want...

But it wasn't the books' fault things happened like they did. I can't hurt a book for NE's sins.

And then we got blathering about, how, you know, I'm not over NE really and how that's pathetic, and how the reason is we never really broke up properly and all the dramarama surrounding that. Mother suggested putting a note up on facebook spilling it all, in case NE still reads mine. Well, that's not possible now, as we're not Facebook friends and I've locked mine down as much as I can. But I said that in any case, that'd be a bad idea because I'd say things that were just horrible and untrue, and that I really don't want to drag a four-year old drama out into public again. NE has moved on, I hope, far better than I.

I need to let them do that. Provided they don't pop up with another random 'I think you'll like this book!' like they did almost two years ago.

...this post would have had a lot more of what went on during that phone call, things I spilled, etc, but I basically just woke up and have a headache. So there we are.
axeslade: (clyde hiding)
And of course now sie's rattling around in my head. Some of the things that are bubbling up today are things that used to haunt me every day, but lately I've been able to keep them out for longer and longer. This is nice, but it also means it's much more frustrating and painful when they do come back.

Sigh.

Oh hai, Tegan and Sara! Make me feel better, lovelies.

I won't mistake you for problems with me
I won't let my moods ruin this you'll see
I won't take everything good and move it away
I won't be left dancing along to songs from the past


Fuck yes.
axeslade: (queen of wands future will eat me)
I had two really bad dreams last night, one of which was violent and the other involving NE in a sexual manner.

Guess which one disturbed me more?

I am not sure if in dream-world the sex was like it had always been with us, aka not real and very roleplay or...otherwise. NE was not clearly 'there'--there was no person who looked like hir, or hir voice (which, thank everything, is VERY faint in my mind). I honestly couldn't tell you what, specifically, made me realise this was an NE dream--besides the fact that my heart was hurting and screaming at my brain to wake the fuck up. Which I did, eventually. Then I went back to sleep after gasping for a few minutes and had the violent dream, and while disturbed, was glad. Which is pretty fucked up given what that dream was like.

Listening to Melissa helps.
axeslade: (clyde hiding)
So I hate the Tenth Doctor, with a few episode-exceptions.

And whut's that about, then? )
axeslade: (clyde hiding)
So LJ is doing a journal purge in August. Anything that's been inactive for 24 months is going bye-bye. I'll be posting to my old icon journal in a bit to keep that active, doublecheck some other things.

Big thing, though? The three-ish (personal and rp) journals that NE did, if I'm doing my math right, will all be gone. They've stayed on my userinfo even though I had unfriended because I was a mutual friend. But now they'll be gone.

Mixed feelings, I haz themz.
axeslade: (clyde hiding)
I have decided Ani DiFranco is the queen of songs about unconventional and fucked up relationships.

I have also realised why Both Hands always breaks my heart. My relationship-that-wasn't-but-was with NE was a relationship told almost exclusively in writing, in stories. I think, looking back, you can see it rising and falling in these stories; where we tried to knit it back together even though it was impossible. I kept fighting for something that, after a point, she didn't want but wouldn't end. And. Well.



I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again
and I am getting
nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get through...

the old woman behind the pink curtains
and the closed door
on the first floor
she's listening through the air shaft
to see how long our swan song can last

and both hands
now use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing
graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of
how hard we tried

I am watching your chest rise and fall
like the tides of my life,
and the rest of it all
and your bones have been my bedframe
and your flesh has been my pillow
I am waiting for sleep
to offer up the deep
with both hands

and in each other's shadows we grew less and less tall
and eventually our theories couldn't explain it all
and I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall
and eventually the landlord will come
and paint over it all

and I am walking
out in the rain
and I am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again
and I am getting nowhere with you
and I can't let it go
and I can't get through

So now use both hands
please use both hands
oh, no don't close your eyes
I am writing graffitti on your body
I am drawing the story of how hard we tried
hard we tried
how hard we tried
axeslade: (clyde hiding)
Note: I have never actually seen Annie Hall. I was just bouncing around Wikipedia and...yeah.

Alvy Singer: A relationship I think, is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

That is such a wonderful way to describe the mess with NE, and for various inside-joke, 'you'll only get it if you were there' reasons, it makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

...Man, insomnia SUCKS. As does the fact my headphones seem to be dying (they lasted four months, which is good for me, but sigh)

ALSO: Self, write about the whole reason NE is not finished nomming on the brain and how it can sort of be traced back to one shite day. After you've slept.
axeslade: (elevensties)
Had an absoultely rotten dream about NE last night.

Telling myself to just send out good waves and let it go is a lot harder when I'm in that space. I know I'm dreaming, and I just want to wake up because it's so painful but know I need sleep, and I keep wanting to tell dreamself not to fall for this again, but dreamself does because I always did, and then I wake up and...

Sigh.

I need the Doctor. *pokes download*
axeslade: (clyde hiding)
Things that are becoming really clear:
-What's happening right now with me (which I'm going to continue to be vague about for a lot of reasons) needed to happen because--
-It needed to happen sometime, and it's better now than, say, this summer.
-I am so, so, not over NE.
....
-...but I am.

Yeah, that makes no sense, right?

Thing is now that I'm out of the 'oh God, what if they see this/what if they come back into my life/etc' I am able to step back and see all the stuff they left in my head. A lot of neurotic things I do that I thought were just me. But I've realised that a lot it wasn't there before them. That they left it there. And now I have no idea what to do with it, so I just ignore it and shove it into a corner until something happens, shifting what I've buried it under, and, oh, hi panic attack.

...yeah, I said I wouldn't mention them again. But things are going on and I think I need to write down this emotional detoxing etc.

Blah.
axeslade: (lily allen)
Listening to Settlin' (which is one of my make myself happy songs)---


Fifteen minutes left to throw me together
For mister right now, not mister forever
Don't know why I even try when I know how it ends
Looking like another "maybe we could be friends"
I've been leaving it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything, yeah

With some good red wine and my brand new shoes
Gonna dance a blue streak around my living room
Take a chance on love and try how it feels
With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Who changed her mind and changed her world


I just...just realized how much, even without the drama-rama, I was settling with NE.

And now I know I'm not (altho sometimes I do feel like Girl is settling by being with me--but that's a whole 'nother mess of issues right there)

That feel so, so good.
axeslade: (juno cheese)
Just read a post by someone talking about their LDR (which is a lot worse than Girl and mine's in terms of logistics), and referring how from the outside, they probably make it look really easy but how it's really damn hard, but how it's worth it.

Um, yeah.

And, well, that little part of my brain and heart that will always be a bit bruised and scarred from the thing with NE spoke up about how, for all the shite NE put me through, they [okay, sidenote: the fact that I'm now posting at a place they will never read, and that they stopped reading my lj years ago, but I'm still not using names or gender? Yeah, sigh. Course, everyone but them always knew who I was talking about] probably taught me a lot that helps me deal with this.

A couple people know exactly what NE pulled. The neat and tidy version is I put in a lot of patience for very little payout. Now, when only one party's doing that? Yeah, things fall apart. But when both (or more, I'm open minded) parties are being patient, and when there's communication (another thing horribly lacking in the mess with NE) and...

Yeah, not quite as bad. But I don't think I would have had quite the patience to put up with many years of good-but-still-really-sucky-sometimes if I hadn't put up with...I don't know a good turn of phrase to describe that mess.


You can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned

Yeah, that.
axeslade: (queen of wands future will eat me)
Seeing/hearing NE's name is still really hard. Especially when my mind went back to something to do with them this morning.

I wish it was as easy as saying I refuse to let them trigger me anymore and I'm taking back my life, but it's not. At least not yet. I don't know if it ever will be.

That is all.
axeslade: (clyde hiding)
So, talking to someone I haven't spoken to in awhile. It's not serious, just BS. But...it feels...NICE. I'm so glad that I'm in a place where I don't flip out over this person. That I can just chit-chat. It's awkward too, like in a 'post break up lets be friends' kind of way, but ya know. I can deal with that. Because this person was such a huge part of my life. They helped me tap into parts of myself that I couldn't have discovered on my own. If it hadn't been for this person and the good and bad they did to me, I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't be the wo/man Bri loves. So I really do owe them the courtesy of BS.

I'm sure some of you know who I'm talking about. Please refrain from mentioning on comments. (like anyone comments here anymore...)
axeslade: (Default)
Something that is making my heart ache just the tiniest bit right now...

I can't remember the time difference.

I knew it for the longest time. You'd think it would take longer to forget. But I can't remember if it was an hour or two hours.

That shouldn't bother me. It's such a ltitle thing...

I think it was an hour. Stopping for a second, I'm pretty sure it was an hour.

But not being absoultely sure, makes me a little sad.

Note to self, no more typing sans glasses *goes to get her eyes*
axeslade: (clyde hiding)
Since a few people apparently got worried over my last post (thanks for the chat, [livejournal.com profile] iluvlabyrinth) I am fine. I'm just finnaly, really, coming to terms with what has happened. That none of it was me, it was her becoming someone else and just choosing a really crappy time to do that.

I still love her, for what she got me through. And I forgive her.

I'm just not making the same mistake yet again of believing that it can be just the way it was, or anything like it.
axeslade: (queen of wands future will eat me)
I just made a huge mistake.

How can people change so damn much in a year? Less?

I don't even know this woman. This isn't the person I knew.

I...

*contemplates reading BD again to make the confusion go away*
axeslade: (Default)
I think I fucked up. I mean, I probably didn't. It's probably nothing. But it feels like I fucked up.

Damn, is it going to be like this the whole time? *whimpers*
axeslade: (Default)
Okay, I haven't read any C.S. Lewis, nor do I intend to, but I just found this quote and...I realize it's about death. But it so throughly echoes my feelings...not just with Bri, but with other people in my life who have left gaping holes.

Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything

*mrrrfle*
axeslade: (queen of wands future will eat me)
I hate admitting how dependent I am on people. I guess it's because for a long time (grade-middle school), I had no one to lean on. So I had to rely on myself in a sense. I couldn't trust anyone. The problem comes up, when I actually did myself trust...and then those people pulled out. It's like, I finally had a shoulder to lean and then, oop, it's gone and I fall face first onto the pavement.

I know this seems random, but I'm listening to Tori right now and being freshly struck by the beauty that is Tear In Your Hand live, and...I just can't believe I let myself lose that beauty. Because of one fucking person.

And the funny thing is, the reclamation hasn't come because I'm suddenly so independant again. It's because I've found another shoulder. A sturdier one.

And as overjoyed as I am, I'm scared. Once burned twice shy and all that rot. I'm trying not to be scared. I really am. But...I don't know. Maybe I'm just taking a page out of Burke's book. When you stop being afraid, that's when you should really worry about what you're becoming. The funny thing, I'm not so much afraid of it not working as I'm afraid of me not being...not not good enough, but just not enough. Like I gave too much of myself to this other person, too much that I just can't get back, that there isn't enough to go into this.

Or maybe it's just too fucking late and I should stop rambling and go to bed.
axeslade: (Default)
Hearing 'Hey There Delilah' first thing in the morning...that totally made my day. Woke up, walked out into the hall, heard it...yeah. I feel like such a flippin' girl, but that's okay.

I find it funny that I'm posting about such a sweet song that I love for such a sweet reason while one that makes me think of not-such-good stuff is playing on the radio.

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axeslade: (Default)
A most peculiar mademoiselle

January 2011

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