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Tonight I finished watching a DVD of live Tori performances that my friend Ty sent me. I already had a few of them, but the others *drool* The last show (Montreal '94) made me a little anxious though. Some of you might remember my entries from about this time last year when I mentioned Bells For Her. That song brings up a lot of really hard emotions for me about things that happened awhile ago and that are happening now. But today I watched it, and before it played Tori talked about the inspiration for it, and how she and the girl 'Bells' is about came together again, and that coupled with watching Tori jam out on the prepared upright...*sigh*I was able to see the hopefulness instead of just the loss in it now. However, the fact that Me and a Gun was also in that show...*shiver*

So they went years and years
Like sisters
Blankette blankette girls
Always there through
Through that and this
There's nothing we cannot ever fix I said
Can't stop what's coming can't stop what is on it's way
-Tori Amos 'Bells For Her'
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Something more I've learned through T. Actually I've mentioned this before, but listening to Concertina brings it up...learning to deal with the violence in me, learning to help this amazon live with the kitten in peace. You know, I never wanted to be a violent creature, and I'm not, but this year since I've become friends with Bri and been forced to protect my loved ones in ways I never have before, I had to realize that there is a fierceness in me, and that it's beautiful.

Do you ever feel like you walk in a room, and you don’t know why, but you’re just so uncomfortable you’re crawling out of your skin, even though nobody’s touched you, physically? That’s in Concertina, when you feel like you haven’t excavated enough of your different personalities that when one pops up, you’re not sure where it came from, and you try to hack it out of yourself. It shocks you that you could have this kind of fault, or that other people could bring it out in you-Tori Amos

Particle by particle )
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The sibling bought the 9th season of M*A*S*H yesterday, so we were watching it since there was nothing else on, and there's this eppy called 'Bless You, Hawkeye' where Hawkeye gets sick over what he thinks is an allergy but it's actually the reaction to a repressed memory that bubbled up due to something with a patient. We talked briefly about how weird it is what such small things like smells can trigger. I just thought of that night, Silent All These Years and that C/A fic and how much that's snowballed into something kind of bad and kind of good. I'm rambling a little but...yeah. *shrug*
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Thoughts from an e-mail I got through the GLBT youth mailing list

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.
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I think there’s so much emphasis on pushing things away, instead of pulling them out of the closet. A lot of times I just notice that people try to hide their dirt for as long as possible. Monsters, dirt, whatever you want to call it, the stuff that you censor and that you don’t really want to share with people. I think you can only do that for so long before you start losing your mind. I’m finding a lot of freedom right now in just looking at things that I really feel. We’re not encouraged to do that, and I think that that’s what makes people sick inside of themselves. You kind of want everybody else to think that you’re okay. Well, you’re okay if you have monsters! That’s what people don’t understand—everybody has many many voices going on inside of themselves.Now there is one voice, though, that is more of the ringleader, more of the innermost voice that isn’t trying to beat you up, or trying to make you feel like you can go slaughter 67 people and it’s okay. You know, the voice in there that goes, “hang on a minute, Tori, we’re really feeling lonely right now.” That inner inner voice is, to me, the most important because it can start being a bridge between all these other voices in your head. Everybody has them.-Tori Amos

I was having some chats with that voice and the others this morning. Listening to Boys For Pele, mostly Father Lucifer, Blood Roses and Caught a Lite Sneeze. The songs that really came out of wounds, or drugs or darkness. Y'know I think I'm really getting this one Tori quote...

I've always said that Lucifer understands love better than anybody. You know he's done a mean tango with Greta Garbo a few times. Really understanding love is the only way you get to the dark side of things.

I think that's so true. Lucifer, or whatever you want to call that dark force, he/she/it really GETS love, gets passion. I mean, you have to have something besides bright and cheery to truly feel passion, to get other people. You can't understand what makes someone else tick if you're white (as in pure, joyful, etc.) all the time. If you love someone, you're going to meet their demons once in awhile, and you've gotta be able to talk to them. You can't say to them 'stay down, stay hidden, write it down or something but keep it away from everyone else' NO! You can't do that, it just doesn't work. And if a relationship ends and you're feeling so low, you can't ignore that anger. You can't go 'well, this is an illogical, wrong emotion. It's wrong to want to hurt so-and-so, so I won't voice it'. You posion yourself when you do that, you have to give into that emotion. You have to go into it, talk to this dark place and understand it. It's always going to be there, but if you speak to it you won't be so afraid.

Wow, that was deep for a Monday....

Blankettes

Jan. 13th, 2006 09:58 pm
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Well last night I got the next part of my fiction version of what happened done. Not putting it up here, still too personal, if you want ask. But I am posting the lyrics to the Tori song I was listening to at the time, since it's been very key in my healing.

Tori Amos
Bells For Her


and through the life force and there goes her friend
on her nishiki it's out of time
and through the portal they can make amends

hey would you say whatever we're blanket friends
can't stop what's coming
can't stop what's on its way


and through the walls they made their mudpies
i've got your mind i said
she said i've your voice
i said you don't need my voice girl
you have your own
but you never thought it was enough of
so they went years and years
like sisters blanket girls
always there through that and this
there's nothing we cannot ever fix i said

can't stop what's coming
can't stop what's on its way

bells and footfalls and soldiers and dolls
brothers and lovers she and i were
now she seems to be sand under his shoes
there's nothing i can do
can't stop what's coming
can't stop what's on its way

and now i speak to you are you in there
you have her face and her eyes
but you are not her
and we go at each other like blankettes
who can't find their thread and their bare

can't stop loving
can't stop what is on its way
and i see it coming
and it's on its way
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Another great Tori quote that I've come to realize the truth in lately...

I’m not afraid of grief. You might cry, you might even cry so much that there are no more tears left inside of you that you feel you’ve become dry, but still your grief lets you make decisions and lets you grow as a person. Everything depends upon how you handle it, if you accept your grief, your loss and your mourning or if you try to push it away. I think you have to live through it, that’s my personal belief, because it has consequences. [The Inside Connection - June 1998]

And now the lyrics to one of my absoulte favorite Tori songs with the parts that have been hitting hard in bold.

Tori Amos
Hotel


met 'em in a hotel
met 'em in a hotel
beneath ground
tell him he's missing
tell me this is one for
lollipop gestapo
you were wild
where are you now
you were wild
where are you now

give me more
give me more
give me more
i have to learn to let you crash down
i have to learn to let you crash down
i have to learn to let you crash

met 'em in a hotel
met 'em in a hotel
you say he's the biggest thing
there'll be this year
i guess that what i'm seeking
i guess that what i'm seeking
isn't here

met him in a hotel
met him in a guess world
guessed anyone but you
you were wild
where are you now
you were wild
where are you now
give me more
give me more
give me more
i have to learn to let you crash down

where are the velvets
where are the velvets
where are the velvets
when you're coming down
you were wild
where are you now
you were wild
where are you now

king solomon's mines
exit 75
i'm still alive
i'm still alive
i'm still alive
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So....last night, I listened to From The Choirgirl Hotel for the first time in awhile. I think I needed to turn around and go back there after walking with Scarlet. And the girls at the choirgirl, they started giving all these suggestions. One of which the muses are thinking about taking. Going through this healing I've been hit with the fact that while there are resources for rape survivors, finding support/resources for friends and family of survivors is harder. Thus, the Choirgirls and the muses are thinking it might be a good idea for me to take the very barest of bare bones of what happened and fictionalize it. After all, I've always been best at showing my messages through words and stories. However, I'm fearing it slightly. I don't know if it would help me or undo all the healing. What do you guys think?
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Up in an attempt to get my sleep cycle back on track. Umm, something hit me and the muses in the head last night. I'm not sure if I'll do it, if I do it could get painful, but it could be what me and the ladies and boys I share my psyche with need to let go. I don't know, we'll see.


"Precious Illusions"
Alanis Morisette


You'll rescue me right?
In the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right?
When your healing powers kick in

You'll complete me right?
Then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
Only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did
And I won't keep it up even though I would love to
Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
This pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

But this won't work as well as the way it once did
Cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

This won't work now the way it once did
Cuz I want to deside between survival and bliss
Now I know who I'm not
I don't I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victom

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with childhood best friends
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Okay, so I'm being a little bit of a post whore today, it's vacation I'm bored.

I just bought the acoustic version of Chrsitine McVie's gorgeous 'Friend', so I thought it would be fitting to post the lyrics. So describes what's been going on in my head lately...

Lonely as the stars )
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I was thinking about something my counselor, the lovely Paula, said two weeks ago when we had group. We had apparently discussed sadness the week before (I was absent) and she said she had asked where we feel sadness on our body. I couldn't verbalize it well, but...I guess that is something to do with the body map, isn't it? I mean, forget achiness and cramps and such. When I'm sad, truly sorrowful, I feel this very deep chill somewhere inside me. That imprint on my body map, where I feel that ache.

If there is a Horizontal Line
that runs from the MAP
off your body straight through
the Land shooting up
right through my heart

Will this Horizontal Line
when asked know how to find
Where you end
where I begin
"pick out your
cloud"
-Tori 'Pick Out Your Cloud'

In
the end
all we have,
soul blueprint.
did we get
lost in it
do we
conduct a
search
for this
-Tori 'I Can't See New York'
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Okay, one thing: I'm probably not going to be able to go to Bri's christmas concert on Tuesday, unless I can spend the night which is a pretty big maybe *pout*

And then a poem I wrote when I was kind of pissed at mom, while thinking of this girl who really hurt me (and continues to hurt me). If you want to know the story behind it, just ask.


B. The C.F. Girl )
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Taken from [livejournal.com profile] bananaboat_

Women should learn self-defense.
Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark.
Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts.
Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended.

Instead of that, how about:

If a woman is drunk, don't rape her.
If a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her.
If a women is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her.
If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her.
If a woman is jogging in a park at 5 a.m., don't rape her.
If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her.
If a woman is in a coma, don't rape her.
If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her.
If a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don't rape her.
If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her.
If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her.
If your step-daughter is watching TV, don't rape her.
If you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her.
If your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend.
If your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police.
If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an unconscious woman upstairs and it's your turn, don't rape her, call the police and report him as a rapist.
Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, and sons of friends that it's not okay to rape someone.


Don't just tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape.
Don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x,y or z.
Don't imply that it's in any way her fault.
Don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl.
Don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can, too, help yourself

If you agree, repost
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