May. 13th, 2010

axeslade: (lucas silveria)
So, the 'was the softball pic in NYT a coded reference to Elena Kagen's sexuality' and everything else? Yeah, it's hitting me in a sore spot.

Here's why. I've already blathered a lot about how my sexuality was being questioned for me loooong before I had any reason to care about it. Something else: I went to the same school K-8. I went to school with the same core group of about ten kids (some moved and came back various times throughout the years, etc). Meaning I was surrounded by the same group who knew my failings and successes. We all went through standardized testing together, so most of them probably knew that I blew the reading sections out of the water on a regular basis. They had to hear teachers praising me (I won't deny I liked it, but you know? Being teacher's pet, even when teacher is the only one you can relate to, doesn't do you any favors in the social arena). And...well, the girls...

I'm not saying all the girls in my core group were dense. I actually have a suspicion that for some of them, they were dense because they were conditioned to be. Don't be smart, be pretty, etc.

I will never claim being pretty in a traditional sense--though I had aspects of traditional beauty. Long, curly hair, the lips, etc. And while many of them were reading Junie B. Jones or however you spell it in 8TH GRADE (I wish I were exagerrating, god I wish),I was reading 1984 and the Picture of Dorian Gray (and, um, Teleny. But that's another story for another day!). I was smart in many ways none of them were, either because they'd been coaxed into it or because they just weren't. I was good. I didn't drink or smoke (partially lack of access, mostly lack of desire). I never had a pregnancy scare.

I don't know how much they were conciously freaked out by me, but I know I made them uncomfortable, what with my girlie tendencies (I have always loved glitter, okay?), my brains, and the fact I wasn't dating when I was ten. Boys were the smart ones in my class (well, until society made them feel like they coudln't be smart and play sports--I really mourn that in one particular boy) .

So how's this lead back to Elena Kagen? She's vying for a spot in the boy's club. She's smart, very smart. She doesn't seem to present as high femme, and she's unmarried. And people are yelling DYKE as she passes.

...wait, that was me. But you get the point.

SPECIAL NOTE: Remind me to ramble some day about all the girls' requests/demands to prettify me, and how while they never did anything, how I would always reluctantly agree. Mah issues, let me showz you them.
axeslade: (tosh bs)
It looks like, after I get back from NY (because I am not fucking with my hormones during that time, nope), I'm probably going on the Pill or something like it because mother is starting to think my OMGWTFBBQ back pain and moodswings might be caused by endo (and, after looking at the symptoms, I have to admit there's a good chance). I should be glad to possibly have something that A. Decreases my fertility and B. Increases the chance I'll have to have the lady bits removed, but...urgh. I have quite a few friends with endo, and I don't fancy the idea of this shit getting worse. But yeah, probably going on the Pill since those have been shown to decrease the pain etc, so we'll see.

Bargle.

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axeslade: (Default)
A most peculiar mademoiselle

January 2011

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