Things that are becoming really clear:
-What's happening right now with me (which I'm going to continue to be vague about for a lot of reasons) needed to happen because--
-It needed to happen sometime, and it's better now than, say, this summer.
-I am so, so, not over NE.
-...but I am.
Yeah, that makes no sense, right?
Thing is now that I'm out of the 'oh God, what if they see this/what if they come back into my life/etc' I am able to step back and see all the stuff they left in my head. A lot of neurotic things I do that I thought were just me. But I've realised that a lot it wasn't there before them. That they left it there. And now I have no idea what to do with it, so I just ignore it and shove it into a corner until something happens, shifting what I've buried it under, and, oh, hi panic attack.
...yeah, I said I wouldn't mention them again. But things are going on and I think I need to write down this emotional detoxing etc.