axeslade: (stephen fry)
  • Tomorrow: Buy rubber cement remover, copy of MacBeth, and AAA batteries. Double check work schedule, survive work.

  • Tomorrow night: Do reading for History/Structures and maybe Abnormal Psych, put away DVDs

  • Thursday night: State/Local Politics reading

  • Weekend: Hopefully play Folklore, only pausing when body demands it
axeslade: (queen of wands future will eat me)
So. No resolutions last year.

...none this year, really. Um. Get less crazy? Write something? *shrug* Whatever.
axeslade: (sealbomb)
Been awhile without posting again. I BLAME TUMBLR.

ANYWAY! I just turned in my last paper and don't have any finals until Wednesday (and don't work Tuesday) so I effectively have a four day weekend. SO. To dos this next week:


  • Laundry (probably Sunday night)

  • Pack clothes for NY. These will later, probably, be transferred to another bag I have at home, but putting them in backpack for transport. (probably Monday) (mostly. Need to track down a few shirts)

  • Take inventory of kitchen stocks to see what needs tossed before we leave(Monday?)

  • Buy last odds and ends to keep fed until Friday (probably Sunday)(K is taking care of this)

  • Find living room and bedroom floors (Wednesday night/Thursday afternoon probably)

  • Finish reading The Purity Myth so I can give it back to Angie (hopefully tomorrow)

  • Call Girl (Sunday? Need it emotionally)

  • Write review(s?) for EdenFantasys (whenever I find the time)



More as I think of it.
axeslade: (tosh bs)
As if Flying While Trans wasn't nerve wracking enough.

CNN Plays Cheerful Jackboot for TSA

Things I no longer feel safe doing while flying:
-Binding
-Packing
-Being myself

Fuck. this. shit. If it actually made me feel any safer, it MIGHT be different. Might. Nothing justifies sexual assault, not even 'security'. Also, this shit is why I have pinko liberal music; it keeps me from screaming too loudly because it reminds me that other people are outraged as well.
axeslade: (tosh bs)
The person I am during them is such a different person. This person HATES EVERYTHING and is, in general, an inconsiderate wanker.

And I hate this person. I want to kick them in the metaphorical balls and tell them to GTFO.

Which makes the Sneaky (self) Hate Sprial continue for even longer.

Fuck this shit. Hi, blackberry merlot (half a teeny tiny tea cup, so just enough for me to get warm and tingly enough to forget that right now I FUCKING HATE MYSELF).
axeslade: (tosh bs)
The statement I had to make yesterday at my appointment that seemed to confuse the NP

"I'm bisexual but I don't have sex with men." [not exactly how I said it, but, meh]

Reasons I do not get why this screws with people:
1. I have only had one sexual partner. By default, at this time, I do not have sex with men.
2. Do we question people's heterosexuality when they're virgins?
3. Attraction does not have to equal action.

There's also the fact that were I to ever have sex with a man (trans or cis, though cis are obviously the only ones she was referring to since it was more a question of 'could you get pregnant any time while you're taking this?'), it *probably* wouldn't be penis-in-vagina.

I'm all up in ur kinsey scale, breakin' it.

But seriously. Why is it *always* when I say I currently only have sex with women, it's assumed I'm a lesbian? (This was before I voiced the gender stuff--though I'm sure she still would have gone there anyway, urgh). Can't we, as a society, just go 'oh, you have sex with ---' and not try to label it? Please?

(Also, the assumption that I would rather save a clump of cells than my sanity was kind of insulting on a different level, but meh)
axeslade: (stephen fry)
I'll be starting Effexor sometime this coming week. My only hope at this moment is that it will not make me itch like crazy like Wellbutrin did.

I also have to have blood work sometime in the next three weeks to make sure my liver and kidneys are working proper (since antidepressants and lots of other meds aren't a good idea for those with liver/kidney problems). Not concerned; I had to have bloodwork like that A LOT when I was young due to all the things I had to take to stay functioning. Although I don't like the idea of needles, obviously :(

The NP I talked to seemed mostly awesome and to understand the gender crap etc. She was surprised for some reason that I'd been bullied--apparently I don't look like I'd stand out in a TEEEEEEENY tiny school. O_O. On the other hand, when I asked what the rates of sexual dysfunction for Effexor were she immediately went 'oh, it's really low and I understand that you're concerned since you're seeing your partner soon'--especially nice since I'd kind of hem'd and haw'd on the 'are you sexually active' question since depending on what you mean by that I am or I'm not. She did seem to do a kind of nervous laugh after, when she'd noted how 'well we have to make sure you're not pregnant since the meds can harm the fetus', I replied with 'well if I WAS pregnant I wouldn't stay so for long'. Yeah, I'm really blunt about the fact that no matter how that happened, I'd have an abortion--if nothing else, because the hormone wiggity-whack can increase the crazy (not to mention gender dysphoria and other things like how my crazy should not be passed on).

(Note to self: Friday, call to make next appt. and to arrange payment since you forgot your bloody debit card this morning)
axeslade: (queen of wands future will eat me)
...wow it's been almost a month since I posted here. Telling, that is.

Anyway! Schedule for next semester

MWF
State and Local Govt 10-10:50

TTH
Abnormal Psych 8-9:15
Shakespeare II 11-12:15
History/Structures of English-12:30-1:45

Also, in the summer I'm taking Biology (since I dropped Historical Geology to save my GPA and my sanity)

The lecture starts on June 6, runs through the 30th, 10:15-1:15 M-Thursday (urrrgh)
Lab starts the 10th, running through July 1, 10:15-2 on Fridays. (URRRGH)
axeslade: (elevensties)
So I got my hair cut today. Here's what it looks like while damp, with glasses and without.





And dry.





I believe this is the shortest (and thinnest!) I've ever had it, and it's quite refreshing.

Mostly unrelated, wow I have not used this icon in quite a long time.
axeslade: (YU+ME bw)
Here's a list of just a few reasons

(mostly for my own access so I can whip it out when people say civil unions/marriage rights in select states are enough)


And related, mostly due to the song I'm listening to right now:

When interracial marriage was allowed, did it change the definition of marriage?

I didn't think so. So why does allowing people with the same junk to get married change it?

Yeah.

Also also, how fucking awesome (and terrifying, in the lead up to the Supreme Court) is the story of Mildred and Richard Loving? Dudes. Love conquering all FTW.
axeslade: (Default)
-Liquid lip stain (I really wish I could remember the brand I got one time that I adored, argh!)
-Concealer/foundation/powder
-Blush
-Lip liner
-Nail polish (and maybe fake nails for certain occasions)
-Eyebrow pencil
axeslade: (stephen fry)
I think the clouds have finally broken.

For now.

The thing is, I've realised this happens every month or so. So, yeah, still perusing the meds etc, because this last attack was hell, and I know I'll only get a short reprieve until it starts up again. Sigh.

But for now, I'm going to try to throw myself back into school work for as long as I can.
axeslade: (stephen fry)
I have two tests on Friday that I have no idea how to study for and one I will probably fail just because this guy can't write a passable test for shit.

I have two major projects due in the next couple weeks that I have no clue how to start.

Work broke me today pretty hard. Well, it was just during dusting, so it wasn't really usual work, but still. My hand FROZE UP for a couple minutes and I could barely move it until I ran it under hot water.

My bread machine is stupid.

I had ONE piece of pizza last night and my body made me regret it.

For the second day in a row, the landlord hasn't shown up to take care of what he supposedly already took care of that is causing my roommate's carpet to mold and GROW MUSHROOMS.

I started ragging today (at least four days after I expected it).

So I'm mentally exhausted.

BUT.

I have good tunes.

I scraped the batter into a pan, put it in the oven and now have banana bread.

I finished a for-pleasure book for the first time in almost a month.

I have AWESOME friends who took me out last night and we had a blast, which made the icky-after-pizza worth it.

I'm feeling much less like hiding under the bed for a month. Not sure if that'll be the case tomorrow, but it's nice to have it for as long as it lasts.
axeslade: (ana matronic)
[This post will get edited as more thoughts come to me]

I just read this wonderful takedown of 'It Gets Better' and why it's BS.

So, here's this.

I don't know when the bullying about my sexual orientation started. Probably sixth grade. I'd been bullied for numerous things before that (including not dating and not being an appropriate female in the right ways) so it all blurs together.

What I do remember is my horrifying, now-shameful desire to stay in the closet to all but immediate family and my dearest friends on the internet. I threw out things to try to make myself seem straight. 'Oh, I'd date a boy!...if he wore makeup for me in the bedroom'. 'Oh, if I had to pick one guy from that grade to date? B.' (who happened to have an ambiguous presentation at times). Etc, etc.

I didn't come out because I knew it would get better. In fact, the messages I got told me otherwise--people saying they would come to my funeral and laugh, etc. If what had happened the day I came out happened any other day, I might have stayed closeted until well into high school or later.

And it didn't get better after I came out. It got worse. I was all but thrown out of the girls' locker room. I was called a whore. My secret desires, told to people I thought were friends, were told to my objects of desire and I was shamed for them. Even when the boys asked me what girls I thought were cute, there was always a biting edge behind the words. That I was not a girl, but I was still not one of them because of my bits. That I was something different and less than.

High school got easier, right?

Yeah. I was dating all of my close friends, apparently, and my very knowledge of my desire questioned when I admitted I had never even kissed.

I didn't kill myself. And this is not because I was brave, or I knew there would be something to look forward to. I just didn't. Sometimes, looking back at how much I hurt back then, I don't know why.

I can't tell someone to not kill themselves because it will end. I cannot tell them to step out of the closet because then they won't hate themselves. That would be horribly disingenuous. I can't even say 'if you kill yourself, they win'.

What I can say is this. They are wrong. They are full of hate and fear. You do not need to change. They do. You do not need to come out of the closet if doing so will get you kicked out of your home or beat up or killed. People need to not kick you out or beat you up or kill you.

I'm not telling you to stay in the closet, either. Be yourself. Play football, paint, act, do what makes you happy even if the gender and sexual binary says you shouldn't. If you get hurt and scared because of what people do? Tell people when you are attacked. If an authority figure doesn't listen, tell another one. Tell a friend. Keep telling people until someone DOES SOMETHING. If someone tells you to just shut up and play along, shout until someone realises that you are not the one with the problem.

(I don't think this is finished yet, but the emotional fatigue has set in)
axeslade: (tosh bs)
At some point, I need to do a post about the children who have killed themselves recently, why it isn't a tragedy just because they were gay and why we aren't turning them into 'martyrs' (fuck you people who say that) and my issues with people who think those who kill themselves are selfish etc. Oh, and my issues with the It Gets Better project, one being that for a great many it really, really doesn't

Sigh.
axeslade: (stephen fry)
Tomorrow, I'm going to talk to my Policy prof about this project. Not due until the week of the 26th, but with everything else going on (in life and in my head), I'm totally stumped and panicky and I want to do well. Since I don't work I'll have time to talk to her (unlike Thursdays when I only have fifteen minutes between that class and work), so hopefully I can figure something out so I can breathe a little bit.

Unrelated: Right now, one of the few things helping me hang on is the music from Strictly Ballroom. God, movie, why so underrated?
axeslade: (sealbomb)
Something in the universe really loves me.

That is all.
axeslade: (Default)
Appointment confirmed. Now just to get all the paperwork done, esp. the stuff to get my meds. Urgh. Thinking I'll go on campus early to get some of that done now.

(also, listening to Amy's theme while talking about going to a psychiatrist...kind of funny)

ETA: Paperwork in. Hopefully the proof-of-income stuff I gave them will be sufficient (couldn't get hold of my W-2s at the moment, and that doesn't represent my current income anyway). Hopefully I'll know by Friday.
axeslade: (Default)
-Wow. In the 'have you been abused?' bit they don't have emotional abuse. Because that's not the most harmful form of abuse or anything. Urrrrgh. (Yes, I realise that many survivors of emotional abuse don't realise it in the same way as sexual/physical abuse survivors do for a variety of reasons and that doesn't always come by itself but often walks hand in hand with the others, but really?)

(will add more idiocy as I come across it)

-Marital Status: 'Divorced-Seperated, Never Married, Living with Partner, Widowed, Married'. NONE OF THESE ARE APPLICABLE FOR ME. ASAFJLDJNLAF!

-'Has there ever been a period of time when you were not your usual self and...you were much more talkative or spoke faster than usual?' This form has never heard me speak normally. It's abnormal when I DON'T talk fast/a lot.

-'...you were much more interested in sex than normal' ....again, it's abnormal when I have NO interest.

-Ha. Listening to I Go To Extremes while filing this out.

-'...you were much more social or outgoing than usual, for example, you telephoned friends in the middle of the night?'. Well. My friends do sometimes stay until 5 am, but that was just a one time thing and losing track of time, not me *feeling* more social. Urgh.

-I will admit it is difficult to see how many of the questions I ticked 'yes' for in the mood disorder and general anxiety sections. Urgh. Oh, and hey there, gender binary.

-ARGH TYPO. 'Has any member or your immediate family....'. ARGGGH.

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axeslade: (Default)
A most peculiar mademoiselle

January 2011

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